The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

[AkChief49]

A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Redskins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Redskins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Redskins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Raiders fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raiders fan out crying like a little girl.

The Chiefs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Chiefs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Raiders fan to my back.:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:that is one of the funniest yet! tie the faider fan to my back..:lol::lol::lol:.

[tornadospotter]

A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Redskins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Redskins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Redskins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Raiders fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raiders fan out crying like a little girl.

The Chiefs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Chiefs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Raiders fan to my back.
Best one ever posted!!!!:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

Who is your real friend?


This really works...! If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.






















When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

[tammietailgator]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[stoneygirl]

A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Redskins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Redskins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Redskins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Raiders fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raiders fan out crying like a little girl.

The Chiefs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Chiefs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Raiders fan to my back.

That is AWESOME!!:lol:

[AkChief49]

Dog for sale in Montana

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

[tornadospotter]

:funnypost: :lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

An old one, but a good one...




John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[Chiefster]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

That sounds vaguely familiar.

[tornadospotter]

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues
hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says S ister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the windshield! "

[tornadospotter]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His finger s and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:














"Make 'em all ugly again."



NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY

[matthewschiefs]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His finger s and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:














"Make 'em all ugly again."



NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY

Thats something that my evil would mind would do. :funnypost: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy in 2009,



the Obama government will start
deporting all of the weird old people
in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
I started crying - when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!
Well....what can I say....someone sent it to me,
and
I'm not going alone!!!!


:11: :11: :wheelchair: :wheelchair:

[Chiefster]

BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy in 2009,



the Obama government will start
deporting all of the weird old people
in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
I started crying - when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!
Well....what can I say....someone sent it to me,
and
I'm not going alone!!!!


:11: :11: :wheelchair: :wheelchair:

I represent that remark! :11:

[Sn@keIze]

You think you've got it bad?



Just be thankful you're not a conjoined twin...


..who's brother is gay...


..who's got a hot date tonight...






























......and you have the only butthole!

[matthewschiefs]

You think you've got it bad?



Just be thankful you're not a conjoined twin...


..who's brother is gay...


..who's got a hot date tonight...






























......and you have the only butthole!:lol: That would suck big time. :funnypost:
:lol:

[Canada]

Police Employment - Attitude Suitability Test

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Chiefster]

Police Employment - Attitude Suitability Test

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

:lol: NICE!

[tornadospotter]

A little humor that brings us back to a different time --



Only a Farm Kid....




When you're from the country ~ you look at things a little differently...

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/410456-aWcwb2NOmt5qVTi1uhgi/MessagePart/INBOX/224322-01-02-R/7DB2F92F797F43BDBCD3E0F679967545@toshibauser
A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

[tornadospotter]

"A Nebraska Wife"

Three men married wives from different states:

The first man married a woman from Minnesota . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Wisconsin . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Nebraska . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[tornadospotter]

My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year. I couldn't believe it...the first time ever!
I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me and being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'. I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat below....

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/410456-aWcwb2NOmt5qVTi1uhgi/MessagePart/Junk_Mail/256730-01-02-R/009501ca4635$aec0c380$6f01a8c0@Wilcox

[tornadospotter]

Story of my life.




http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/410456-aWcwb2NOmt5qVTi1uhgi/MessagePart/Junk_Mail/256684-01-02-R/part1.05040709.01000008@mainstaycomm.net




I blame it on the Wife for not reminding me!!!:D

[tornadospotter]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.




WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'





SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.





PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.





BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.





HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.





VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.





OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..





TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.





HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.





BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.





TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.





PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.





STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.





PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.





HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.





HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.





UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.





Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[IlovetheChiefs]

This isn't a joke but does anyone remember this from the classic comedy The Flintstones:

Here we come on the run
With a burger on a bun
And a dab of coleslaw on the side
Oh your taste we will tickle
With a cold dill pickle
And all of our potatoes are french fried fried fried
Our burgers can't be beat
Because we grind our own meat
grind grind grind grind grind
And as your on your way
A tip upon our tray
We hope to find find find find find
We hope to find find find find find

[tornadospotter]

Vocabulary word for today.

LIQUIDITY
Definition:












Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.

[Canada]

Here's a joke.....



http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/Larry%20Johnson%20spy%20on%20vegas.jpg
30 years old and he still can't dress himself.

[matthewschiefs]

Here's a joke.....



http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2009/10/53.jpg
30 years old and he still can't dress himself.
:lol: :funnypost:

[tornadospotter]

Here's a joke.....



http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2009/10/53.jpg
30 years old and he still can't dress himself.
:lol:

[tornadospotter]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES



Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

8:00 am Oh! Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am Oh! A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am Oh! A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am Oh! Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm Oh! Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm Oh! Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm Oh! Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm Oh! Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm Oh! Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm Oh! Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...

It is day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. While they dine lavishly on fresh meat, the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I must nevertheless eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. They merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly, and I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

And I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

It is day 984 of my captivity...

[tornadospotter]

? 10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE ?

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.



Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.



Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand --
and divorce is at least 100 grand!



Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.



Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.





Commandment 6.


Marrriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you
said. After marriage, he will fall asleep
before you finish.



Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.



Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate
lover, but again, the law allows only
one husband.



Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.



Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too.


But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.


The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

[stricken721]

:lol: The cat and dog joke was hilarious

[tornadospotter]

YouTube- Swine Flu Song

I do not feel so well. Dang pigs!!!!:D

[tornadospotter]

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/135125-qanD0GuqLWGiNRyAAvoh/MessagePart/Junk_Mail/257985-01-01-02-R/X.MA1.1258652199@aol.com

[tornadospotter]

My Pet Fish



A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove that's well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em back home."

"That's a bunch of crap! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth, Mr.Government Man, I'll show ya. It really works."

"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

Well, what?," says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

The FISH," replied the warden.

"What fish?" replied the redneck.


Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[Chiefster]

:lol: Nice!

[Chiefster]

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

[Chiefster]

An elderly couple was sitting in church one Sunday afternoon listening to the sermon when suddenly the elderly woman leaned over and whispers in her husbands ear: "I let a silent fart, what should I do?". Her husband whispers back: "Turn up your hearing aid!".
__________________

[matthewschiefs]

An elderly couple was sitting in church one Sunday afternoon listening to the sermon when suddenly the elderly woman leaned over and whispers in her husbands ear: "I let a silent fart, what should I do?". Her husband whispers back: "Turn up your hearing aid!".
__________________

:lol: :funnypost:

[Vandelay]

YouTube- The Tom Brady Joke

[tornadospotter]

YouTube- The Tom Brady Joke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iIvStFBn9g&feature=related)
:lol: So then God had Benard Pollard take out Tom's knee!:D

[AussieChiefsFan]

YouTube- The Tom Brady Joke (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iIvStFBn9g&feature=related)
:bananen_smilies046: :bananen_smilies046: :funnypost: :lol: :lol: :funnypost: :lol: :yahoo:

Tom "I'm the Best" Brady!!! LOL!!!

[Chiefster]

:lol: So then God had Benard Pollard take out Tom's knee!:D


:lol: :lol: :lol: Nice!

[AussieChiefsFan]

.:D.

[Chiefster]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy
says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[stricken721]

:lol: Nice one Chiefster.

[Chiefster]

:lol: Nice one Chiefster.

:bananen_smilies046:

[matthewschiefs]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy
says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

:lol: :funnypost: :bananen_smilies046:

[tornadospotter]

The Story Of A Challenged Senior


At a certain age, everyone will understand this poor guy...

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter..

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards
was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?"

I just say,"Doesn't matter to me.. I am bi-sacksual.." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

[AkChief49]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student ...



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little boy raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the boy to describe the incident.

'Well', he began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must have been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little boy.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!, but before she could say 'F**k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

[tornadospotter]

:sign0142::thumbup1:

[matthewschiefs]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student ...



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little boy raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the boy to describe the incident.

'Well', he began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must have been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little boy.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!, but before she could say 'F**k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

:lol: :bananen_smilies046:

[AussieChiefsFan]

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student ...



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little boy raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the boy to describe the incident.

'Well', he began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must have been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little boy.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!, but before she could say 'F**k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the pub, and promptly ordered three beers. The bartender raised his eyebrows but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man had finished the three beers and ordered three more. This happened yet again. The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time, several times.

Soon the entire town was whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replied. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man came in and ordered only two beers.

The bartender poured them with a heavy heart. This continued for the rest of the evening. He ordered only two beers. The word flew around town.

Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender said to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know, the two beers and all."

The man pondered this for a moment, then replied, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[Seek]

Police Employment - Attitude Suitability Test

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth
dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"That's the attitude we want," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Love it.

[tornadospotter]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant"?

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant..... if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again, and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

[Chiefster]

Funny stuff TS!!! :lol:

[Ryfo18]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Chiefster]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[honda522]

Did you know UPS and FedEx are merging?

The new name is going to be FedUp

[tornadospotter]

Oilfield math

A 15 mpg clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year uses 800 gallons of gas a year.

A 25 mpg vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year uses 480 gallons a year.

So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year.

They claim 700,000 clunkers were turned-in, so that's 224 million gallons saved per year.

That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption.

More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars So, the government paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million.

We spent $8.57 for every dollar we saved.


I'm pretty sure they will do a great job with our health care, though.

[AkChief49]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[AkChief49]

A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.

Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

[AkChief49]

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

[AkChief49]

A father walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

[tornadospotter]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw
out my wine.

They are SO on my s_ _t list ...

[Chiefster]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw
out my wine.

They are SO on my s_ _t list ...


:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[tornadospotter]

Stamp Malfunction

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/371979-VQaHgZ6vf4JBpGzjmBgV/MessagePart/INBOX/226123-01-02-R/3355415855_2099721The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.







http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/371979-VQaHgZ6vf4JBpGzjmBgV/MessagePart/INBOX/226123-02-B/image.jpg

:D

[tornadospotter]

YouTube- LTCG Lord I Apologize

[Chiefster]

Stamp Malfunction

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it. The Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order
2.There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.







http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

:D


YouTube- LTCG Lord I Apologize (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdjAw0IhZS4)





:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[tornadospotter]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says...











"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Chiefster]

A F L A C!

[kcvet]

remains of first politician discovered

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/07/2.jpg

[kcvet]

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

[kcvet]

Woman shot in the head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.




bonus:
Obama and Biden went to Arabia for a summit.
While there they both rode a two humped camel.

Along the way Biden kept getting off and lifting the camel’s tail.

Finally, Obama was tired of Biden’s off and on and said, ‘What the hell are you looking at?”

To which Biden replied, “Every time someone passes us I hear them say “Look at the two a**holes on that camel”

[AkChief49]

A Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: that's funny right there..

[AkChief49]

Woman shot in the head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.




bonus:
Obama and Biden went to Arabia for a summit.
While there they both rode a two humped camel.

Along the way Biden kept getting off and lifting the camel’s tail.

Finally, Obama was tired of Biden’s off and on and said, ‘What the hell are you looking at?”

To which Biden replied, “Every time someone passes us I hear them say “Look at the two a**holes on that camel”:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: that's even funnier!!:mooning: :mooning:

[tornadospotter]

My Building Permit


I just applied for a building permit for a new structure I've been considering.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim.

The City Council told me to go to hell.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

.........Work starts Monday...

[tornadospotter]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane. . .only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night."

[kcvet]

good ones !!!! :yahoo: :yahoo:

[kcvet]

They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills.

He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash
to spend."Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and
hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads: I have no work and I have a wife and six kids to support.

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"






Jose's sign reads: I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico

[Chiefster]

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter
girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?Because of the
evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?



2. Teaching Math In 1960s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1970s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?



4. Teaching Math In 1980s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the
number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 1990s



A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20..
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if
you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009



Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


7.. Teaching Math In 2010

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property.
He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway
because its a redistribution of wealth.

[tornadospotter]

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter
girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from
my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?Because of the
evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?



2. Teaching Math In 1960s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?



3. Teaching Math In 1970s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80. Did he make a profit?



4. Teaching Math In 1980s



A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the
number 20.



5. Teaching Math In 1990s



A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20..
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if
you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009



Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?


7.. Teaching Math In 2010

Who cares, just steal the lumber from your rich neighbor's property.
He won't have a gun to stop you, and the President says it's OK anyway
because its a redistribution of wealth.
:lol: Nice one from the Chiefster!:punk:

[tornadospotter]

I know it's not the season, but these are amazing. Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights.......































http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/868255-AMX2mdC9FDNIlJya5Sjw/MessagePart/INBOX/226460-01-02-R/001f01cb2ab9$c86faf30$6f01a8c0@Wilcox


You know very well that the Amish don't use electricity.
Now get back to work!




http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/868255-AMX2mdC9FDNIlJya5Sjw/MessagePart/INBOX/226460-02-B/ATT00001.jpeg.jpg

[Chiefster]

:lol: Nice one from the Chiefster!:punk:

Thanks!

It's funny in a sort of sad, true sort of way.

[tornadospotter]

THE MORMON AND THE IRISHMAN...

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Chiefster]

THE MORMON AND THE IRISHMAN...

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Hilarious!

[tornadospotter]

Treatise on 'Guts' and 'Balls'

(defined first by a Chinaman in 563 BCE. The original author of this also wrote 'The Ruptured Chinaman'--his name was Won Hung Lo)

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[kcvet]

Fired Secretary

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

"Two weeks ago," I said, "was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.

"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.'

"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'

"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.'

"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.

"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks."

[kcvet]

A man has been having an affair with his secretary.

One afternoon, they decide to sneak off to a hotel for a bit of fun.

After an hour or so of wild sex, they both fall asleep on the bed,exhausted.

Two hours pass and the man wakes up and jumps out of bed. "Sh*t! I was meant to be home an hour ago!! My wife's gonna kill me!"

Suddenly,he comes up with a plan.

Taking his shoes,he runs into out on to the lawn, pressing them hard into the grass.

He arrives home and walks in the house.

Waiting for him is his wife. She is angry and upset!

"Where the HELL have you been? You were meant to be home at 6!"

The man says sheepishly "Huney, i have something to tell you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. And this afternoon we had had mind-blowing sex at a hotel that was so good, we passed out and I overslept. That's why I'm late."

The woman looks at him. She's shocked. Then suddenly she spots his shoes.

"You lying son of a b*tch!" she screams "You've been out playing golf again,haven't you!!"

[tornadospotter]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.


It's doing well.







He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[tornadospotter]

TEN BEST CADDY REMARKS:


#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[tornadospotter]

In the interest of Women's health, I though it necessary to post this.


Important Women's Health Issue:

Do you ever feel overwhelmed?
Do you suffer from unneeded stress or anxiety?
Do you wish you were on vacation during the middle of your work day?
Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better, less stressed, more energetic and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your troubles and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Anxiety and exhaustion will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop struggling and
start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness
Nausea
Vomiting
Incarceration
Erotic lustfulness
Loss of motor control
Loss of clothing
Loss of money
Loss of virginity
Table dancing
Headache
Dehydration
Dry mouth
And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

[tornadospotter]

In the Interest of Men's Health and Happiness!



Garbage Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no," said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his business through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."



















Be sure to have a 20 dollar bill, if you pee threw a fence on game day!

[kcvet]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.


It's doing well.







He says Prophets are going through the roof.




http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/17.jpg

[tornadospotter]

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom
but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"

[tornadospotter]

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

'It ain't my fault this time,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this'un on My Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree; out at the ranch we got this here low down Coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids. 'He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

'To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barreled 12 Gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!

'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this Mornin!'

[tornadospotter]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..


Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.


I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."


"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[AkChief49]

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom
but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:TEE HEE!!!!

[tornadospotter]

TOP TEN COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONGS



10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine



9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few



8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me



7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'



6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win



5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here



4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him



3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger



2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer







And the Number One Country & Western song is...



1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My *** All Day

[Chiefster]

:lol: Good stuff TS!

[Chiefster]

YouTube - Song: Side by Side - HILARIOUS!

[Chief Tyler]

The number one thing I look for in a girl is intelligence.



If she ain't got none, she's mine!

[tornadospotter]

YouTube - Song: Side by Side - HILARIOUS! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6wIGmnRjHQ)
:wheelchair::11: :lol::lol:
:sign0094: was I laughing at?
Nice one Chiefster!

[Chiefster]

The number one thing I look for in a girl is intelligence.



If she ain't got none, she's mine!

A man has got to have standards. :D


:wheelchair::11: :lol::lol:
:sign0094: was I laughing at?
Nice one Chiefster!

Thanks TS! I like that it was good clean humor that was actually funny. :D

[stricken721]

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The Oakland Raiders are Super Bowl contenders." Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey survived!"

[stricken721]

What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?


A quarter-ton pickup.

[kcvet]

Five Horses Is Her Name

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/84.jpg

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name is.

He replied, "She called Five Horses."

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/85.jpg

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/86.jpg

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It means...

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/87.jpg

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

[tornadospotter]

Five Horses Is Her Name

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/84.jpg

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name is.

He replied, "She called Five Horses."

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/85.jpg

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/86.jpg

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It means...

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/09/87.jpg

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
LOL!!!!:yahoo:

[tornadospotter]

THE FINAL EXAM...........



At Penn State University were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of
them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the
weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday
morning.


Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they
missed the final.


The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys
were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The next
day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they
thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy....

then they turned the page.


On the second page was written...









For 95 points: Which tire? _________

[tornadospotter]

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"


"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[kcvet]

world submarine racing championship

Bronze Medal Final

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/1.jpg

>


>


http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/1.jpg

Gold Medal Final

[tornadospotter]

world submarine racing championship

Bronze Medal Final

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/1.jpg

>


>


http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/1.jpg

Gold Medal Final


The Russians and China disputed this, as they believe there was no USA Navy Submarines in the race.

They were wrong.

[tornadospotter]

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The Oakland Raiders are Super Bowl contenders." Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey survived!"
:lol::lol:

[Connie Jo]

I just read this one at Facebook earlier, which made me laugh cause it sounds just like Daffy Duck's personality & character, which I could hear & visualize, haha.

Daffy Duck calls hotel desk and asks for a condom. They say, "shall we put that on your bill?" Daffy Duck says, "are you thucking thupid! I'll thuffocate!"

[kcvet]

my dogs

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/11.jpg

This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."

So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, is this a great country or what???

[kcvet]

the Ant & the Grasshopper

OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next
to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America
is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth,
this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when
they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Tom Daschle & Walter Mondale exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the
ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act,"
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old
house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now
abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote out of office all the bleeding heart liberals.

[kcvet]

Thank you all !!!

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past time while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t even pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet

[tornadospotter]

:lol::lol: That hand on the mouse is so true!

[tornadospotter]

Sister Barbara

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter
from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had
sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp
post below.

Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention, and tossed it out
the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled
expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door,
insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. " 'Don't
Despair' paid 80-to-1."

[Connie Jo]

my dogs



http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/11.jpg


This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare.


At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."


So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.


So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.


My Dogs get their first checks Friday.



Damn, is this a great country or what???


:lol: :lol: :lol:

I love the doggies though. :)

[Connie Jo]

Thank you all !!!

I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past time while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t even pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I hate all those chain emails!! Especially the ones that predict doom if I don't forward them. Maybe that was my mistake, I never forwarded any of them, lol. I only forward the ones to friends with pretty photo's, such as the one with the Northern Lights...or a really funny joke one, like this one! hahahaha

[Connie Jo]

Okay, I can't quote them all, but OMGawd are there some hilarious ones! I need to visit this forum more often for laughing out loud! I missed so many, LOL.

[stricken721]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat,
directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
and made love with a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son."

[stricken721]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

[stricken721]

Last one...


A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

[AussieChiefsFan]

Last one...


A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”
:lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat,
directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
and made love with a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son."
:lol::lol::lol:

[tornadospotter]

Warning, Warning! E-mail alert.







If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi"....

for God's sake, don't open it.

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

[tornadospotter]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

A Navajo on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye - e - e - e - h - a - a - a - a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye - e - e - e - h - a - a - a - a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service - station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered.
'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'

[tornadospotter]

Four friends

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway
trip--shopping, casinos, massages and facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't
go, but can't do anything about it.

Two days later the three get to the hotel, only to find Mary sitting in the
bar and drinking a glass of wine. They ask her, "Wow, how long you
been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night," Mary said. "Yesterday evening, I was
sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?'

"I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the
bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
bed, so I did. And then he said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.'

"So here I am."

[stricken721]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

A Navajo on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye - e - e - e - h - a - a - a - a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye - e - e - e - h - a - a - a - a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service - station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered.
'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[AkChief49]

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Forty Niners fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies.

"Oakland Raiders fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook.

"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!" the boy says proudly.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck ******* kills family pet!" :D

I hope this is not a re-post!

[kcvet]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/16.jpg

[kcvet]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/17.jpg

[AkChief49]

590

another sharp shooter:D

[kcvet]

590

another sharp shooter:D


"Mice are so small. With this,
I can bring down a raccoon."

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/18.jpg

[AkChief49]

"Mice are so small. With this,
I can bring down a raccoon."

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/18.jpg

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[kcvet]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

this one's in his final training phase

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/19.jpg

[kcvet]

and this one washed out !!!

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/20.jpg

[tornadospotter]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Funny pictures! We have a thread for that.



SO!































:focus: :D

[stricken721]

:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Funny pictures! We have a thread for that.



SO!































:focus: :D

If I were to put in a picture of Jamarcus Russel would you count it as a joke or a funny picture? :feedback: :D

[tornadospotter]

Both!!!!!!!!

:efpge::efpge::efpge::efpge::efpge::efpge:

[kcvet]

Raider fan: how much for my season ticket????

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2010/10/27.jpg

[tornadospotter]

This is one that all you parents of College kids will appreciate, those of you that are in college may not.

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
you.

Love,
Your $on.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

[kcvet]

This is one that all you parents of College kids will appreciate, those of you that are in college may not.

Dear Dad,

i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and very
hard. With all my , I can't think of anything I need, if you
would like, you can ju me a card, a$ I would love to hear from
you.

Love,
Your .

------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

or dear son:
we moved and left no forwarding address
dad

[tornadospotter]

The Movie Test

This is pretty amazing!

I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till
you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz
can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how,
but it really works!


Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.
























Movie List:



1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

[brantcanchiefsfan]

An old man is sitting on his porch one morning, and a young kid walks past with a roll of chicken wire under his arm.
The old man yells to him "Hey kid..what do you have there??
The kid tells him "Chicken wire"
The old man asks "What are you doin with that?"
The kid tells him "I'm goin' to catch chickens"
The old man tells him "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire"
The kid tells him "Just wait, and you'll see"
A couple hours go past, and along comes the kid, with the roll of chicken wire, all unrolled with a bunch of chickens on the wire.
The old man just stares in awe.
The next morning, the old man is sitting on his porch again, and the kid walks past with rolls of duct tape.
He asks the kid "What have you got there??"
The kid tells him duct tape"
The old man asks "What are you doin with that"?
The kid tells him "I'm goin to catch ducks"
The old man tells him "You cant catch ducks with duct tape"
The kid tells him "Just wait and see"
A couple hours pass, and along comes the kid with his duct tape all unrolled with a bunch of ducks on it.
The old man just stares in awe.
The next morning, same old man, same kid, this time the kid has branches under his arm, and the old man askes him "What do you got there?"
The kid tells him "***** willow"
The old man yells back "Let me get my jacket"

[AkChief49]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher. Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?""Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?""I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[Chiefster]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher. Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?""Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?""I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

FUNNY!!! In a sort of sad but true kind of way.

[tornadospotter]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher. Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?""Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?""I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Some times with the truth, all you can do is laugh. :lol:

[Chiefster]

The Movie Test

This is pretty amazing!

I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till
you have done the math!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz
can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how,
but it really works!


Movie Test:

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.
























Movie List:



1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story


I LOVE IT!!! :lol:

[tornadospotter]

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/98692-ZCixwDmK0b5sef5MGBzA/MessagePart/INBOX/227499-01-02-R/image002.gif@01CB7FE3.F113EDF0

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[tornadospotter]

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold
winter. It must be true because the squirrels
are gathering NUTS...........three of my
neighbors have disappeared.





Are you O.K.?

[kcvet]

Airport Security:

Here's a simple solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports.

Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but , instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials.

You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What's not to like?

[kcvet]

Gitcha Momma...

A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by
two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.
I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old
blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, Boy.................go gitcha momma'

[matthewschiefs]

Airport Security:

Here's a simple solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports.

Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but , instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials.

You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What's not to like?
:lol: Sounds like a good idea to me

[Chiefster]

Airport Security:

Here's a simple solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports.

Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but , instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it will detonate any explosive device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone!

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials.

You're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

What's not to like?

:lol::lol::lol:

I do like it! I do! :D

[matthewschiefs]

:lol::lol::lol:

I do like it! I do! :D


I think Chiefster should be the one they use as a test subject :D

I mean that chiefster is one nice guy

[kcvet]

clean up in isle 3 !!! BOOM make that 4

[AkChief49]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S A** SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The paper read: PREACHER'S A** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S A**. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.

The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST A** IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS A** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A** IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

[AkChief49]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and he said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. "

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

[kcvet]

Politically-Correct Christmas Holiday Parties

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 2

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 3

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 7

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?
Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 8

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
DATE: December 9

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan" there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
DATE: December 10

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

The ßitch from HËLL!!!!!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Chiefster]

I think Chiefster should be the one they use as a test subject :D

I mean that chiefster is one nice guy

I got no problem with that; I never carry with me any explosives. :D

[tornadospotter]

Things are getting kinda funny in this thread!
Great jokes!

[tornadospotter]

IRISH TRADITION...


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****."

[Chiefster]

IRISH TRADITION...


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****."

FUNNY!

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Canada]

Brodie Croyle debate - Page 11 - Kansas City Chiefs Forums (http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15817&page=11)

[AussieChiefsFan]

IRISH TRADITION...


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*
















A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.







She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.






She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .










































































































No ....wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.






That's what beer does... Never mind.


:bananen_smilies046::D

[kcvet]

BOB'S FUNERAL.

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it ..
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real Bit*h this time.'

BOB'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.

[Chiefster]

A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"

[tornadospotter]

A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"
I can not believe my wife texted you for a second opinion! :D

:yahoo::lol:

[AkChief49]

The funniest joke ever- Two women were sitting down minding their own business......Lord I apologize

[Chiefster]

I can not believe my wife texted you for a second opinion! :D

:yahoo::lol:

Me either; everyone knows I'm not the sharpest ginsu in the drawer. :D

[Chiefster]

The funniest joke ever- Two women were sitting down minding their own business......Lord I apologize


Three major forms of communication:

Tele-phone

Tele-graph

Tele-woman.















Disclaimer:

Present female "Crowd" members excluded. :D

[Hayvern]

There is a football team called the Chargers....

MUAHAHAHA, that is the punchline, get it?

[Chiefster]

There is a football team called the Chargers....

MUAHAHAHA, that is the punchline, get it?


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

[Seek]

A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"

So what does IDK stand for?:clueless: :focus:

[matthewschiefs]

There is a football team called the Chargers....

MUAHAHAHA, that is the punchline, get it?

Best Joke EVER

[matthewschiefs]

A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"

Sounds like something my sister would say. How did she get your number

[Chiefster]

So what does IDK stand for?:clueless: :focus:

"I don't know"

Do you know what "IWTYIYBMAC" means


Sounds like something my sister would say. How did she get your number

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1
a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.


The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

[kcvet]

A.A.A.D.D.

[Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how is manifests itself:

decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the
mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
trash first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going
to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I
don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading
glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for
the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so
I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll
water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you
know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming! And if I have
sent this to you before….well, now you know why you’re getting it again.

[tornadospotter]

A.A.A.D.D.

[Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how is manifests itself:

decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the
mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
trash first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going
to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I
don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye–they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading
glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for
the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so
I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll
water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you
know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming! And if I have
sent this to you before….well, now you know why you’re getting it again.




:lol::lol::lol:



















what was I laughing about? I forgot. Help! :smile

[kcvet]

that's my updated BIO............there's dirt then there's me

[tornadospotter]

WHY JEWISH DAUGHTERS NEED THERAPY





Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me! "
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did, and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "
Jewish Mother "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"

[kcvet]

passing the buck:

It's a slow day in a small Arkansas town and streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit…
A rich tourist drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takesthe $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more

optimism.

And that, in a nutshell, is how the United States Congress is conducting business. . .

[kcvet]

CDC Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).



If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).



Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK

[tornadospotter]

passing the buck:

It's a slow day in a small Arkansas town and streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit…
A rich tourist drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takesthe $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more

optimism.

And that, in a nutshell, is how the United States Congress is conducting business. . .
:11:Yep! Sadly to say, this is so true even to me, but I at least try to work for the betterment of my family. :smile Not so sure about Congress.

[tornadospotter]

CDC Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).



If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.



If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).



Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK
I am taking a snow day today, am taking the antidote to work. Would somebody come scoop my sidewalks and drive, please bring me Bothesome Employer Elimation Rebooter to, and plenty of! :bananen_smilies046:

[kcvet]

I am taking a snow day today, am taking the antidote to work. Would somebody come scoop my sidewalks and drive, please bring me Bothesome Employer Elimation Rebooter to, and plenty of! :bananen_smilies046:

I gave the remedies to my wife yesterday. called her boss and said no way

[tornadospotter]

It all started innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- you know, just to loosen up and be part of the crowd.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me; finally I was thinking all the time - and not so relaxed for fear of being caught.

Things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and tried to talk with my wife about the meaning of life. She went to her mother's.

Eventually I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but just couldn't help myself.

I began avoiding friends at lunchtime - to read Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzy and confused - asking things like: "What exactly are we doing here?"

Soon the boss called me in and said: "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another one."

That gave me pause. I came home early after our conversation and said to my wife: "Honey," I've been thinking..."

She said: "I know that, and I want a divorce!"
I replied: "But Honey, surely it's not that serious?" "Yes it is," she said, lower lip quivering.

She added: "College professors and faculty and philosophers don't earn much of a salary, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

I answered quickly: "That's an extremely faulty syllogism".

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

I snarled at her: "I'm going to the library!" - and stomped out the door.

I roared into the library parking lot with NPR on the radio and John Locke on my mind. I hit those big glass doors on a dead run - totally ready for some relaxing mental engagement with Thoreau or Russell.

But they wouldn't budge - the library was closed !!

I now believe that my Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line - from the Thinkers Anonymous book?

I called the 800 number - and today I'm a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. They always start with the Serenity Prayer, followed by a non-educational video (last week it was "Porky's)." Then we share about how we've avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are much better at home. Life just seems easier since I stopped thinking. I believe that the road to recovery is wide open and, in fact, nearly complete for me.

So, today I took one final step.........I joined the Democratic Party......


:D

[tornadospotter]

THE TRAFFIC CAMERA


I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled by at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for $124 each for driving without a seatbelt.

You can't fix stupid.

Funny, but then again, scary.

[tornadospotter]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us, You."

[kcvet]

It all started innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- you know, just to loosen up and be part of the crowd.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me; finally I was thinking all the time - and not so relaxed for fear of being caught.

Things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and tried to talk with my wife about the meaning of life. She went to her mother's.

Eventually I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but just couldn't help myself.

I began avoiding friends at lunchtime - to read Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzy and confused - asking things like: "What exactly are we doing here?"

Soon the boss called me in and said: "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another one."

That gave me pause. I came home early after our conversation and said to my wife: "Honey," I've been thinking..."

She said: "I know that, and I want a divorce!"
I replied: "But Honey, surely it's not that serious?" "Yes it is," she said, lower lip quivering.

She added: "College professors and faculty and philosophers don't earn much of a salary, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

I answered quickly: "That's an extremely faulty syllogism".

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

I snarled at her: "I'm going to the library!" - and stomped out the door.

I roared into the library parking lot with NPR on the radio and John Locke on my mind. I hit those big glass doors on a dead run - totally ready for some relaxing mental engagement with Thoreau or Russell.

But they wouldn't budge - the library was closed !!

I now believe that my Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line - from the Thinkers Anonymous book?

I called the 800 number - and today I'm a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. They always start with the Serenity Prayer, followed by a non-educational video (last week it was "Porky's)." Then we share about how we've avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are much better at home. Life just seems easier since I stopped thinking. I believe that the road to recovery is wide open and, in fact, nearly complete for me.

So, today I took one final step.........I joined the Democratic Party......


:D

well....think again


YouTube - PELOSI GIVES UP THE GAVEL- HYSTERICAL

[kcvet]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...

[tornadospotter]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ...
:lol::lol: Nice one.

[tornadospotter]

You who worry about Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:















In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.







It was pretty simple; the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.







The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor until she wrapped up her argument by stating, What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"






Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.

[kcvet]

You who worry about Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:















In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.







It was pretty simple; the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.







The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor until she wrapped up her argument by stating, What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"






Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.

:lol: :lol:

[kcvet]

They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.


YouTube - STUPIDITY AWARD FINALISTS

[kcvet]

Steelers in heaven

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.

They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with BLACK & GOLD sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous STEELERS logo flag, and in every window, a TERRIBLE towel. Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super Bowls."

God said "So what's your point, Tom?"
Tom replied, "Well, why does Roethlisberger get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said: "Tom, that's not
Roethlisberger's house.......
It's Mine."

[tornadospotter]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife Penny.

Last time I was home from Mexico. I saw something at Doc’s Gun Barn that sparked my Interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra For Penny. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, Allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded Two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Penny what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave is from...

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, Our cat Emily looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood Moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Emily (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to Penny to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Emily looking on with her head ****ed to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lamp, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
* My bent reading glasses were on the lamp.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: Penny can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[Chiefster]

They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.


YouTube - STUPIDITY AWARD FINALISTS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANLgQG-VKyc)


OUCH!!!

[tornadospotter]

When Love Fades...


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or fish?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

[tornadospotter]

HELL EXPLAINED BY






CHEMISTRY STUDENT





The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.












The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.





One student, however, wrote the following:















First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.





Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



This gives two possibilities:




1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.





2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.





So which is it?





If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."





THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[tornadospotter]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little *******s!'..






Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

----------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

----------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'



















Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk



















--
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Anonymous

[AussieChiefsFan]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little *******s!'..






Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

----------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

----------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

















Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'


Let us pray.....................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk



















--
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Anonymous:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Awesome!

[tornadospotter]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

(Oh, just hush-up and send this one on).

[tornadospotter]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken farmer it is."

[tornadospotter]

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Thank you

[tornadospotter]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when
you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)






Be afraid of old ladies!

Be very afraid!

They have been there and done that!

[AussieChiefsFan]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when
you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)






Be afraid of old ladies!

Be very afraid!

They have been there and done that!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:




A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.



"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important


document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"



"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.



"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared


inside the machine, "I just need one copy."



Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.



Thank you







:lol: :lol: :lol: :bananen_smilies046:

[kcvet]

Subject: Fw: Football and the Blonde


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

[tornadospotter]

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us. In the USA we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls. We made him President of the United States, and now the whole country is looking for work!"

[tornadospotter]

I exercise regularly.

I eat moderate amounts of healthy food.

I make sure to get plenty of rest.

I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year.

I floss every night.

I've had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG's and colonoscopies.

I've seen a psychologist once, and she thought I was A-OK.

A variety of hobbies to reduce stress.

I don't drink and drive.

I quit smoking a long time ago.

I don't do drugs.

I try not to disparage others.

I don't have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.





If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed.

[tornadospotter]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to
the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that
get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued,

"Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

[tornadospotter]

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.



IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.



IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.



IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET !!!
A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU
PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/157005-0hggvGp04SlpDZA1RmD7/MessagePart/INBOX/228808-02-01-R/19.3393060385@web161605.mail.bf1.yahoo.comhttp://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/157005-0hggvGp04SlpDZA1RmD7/MessagePart/INBOX/228808-02-01-R/20.3393060385@web161605.mail.bf1.yahoo.comhttp://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/157005-0hggvGp04SlpDZA1RmD7/MessagePart/INBOX/228808-02-01-R/21.3393060385@web161605.mail.bf1.yahoo.comhttp://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/157005-0hggvGp04SlpDZA1RmD7/MessagePart/INBOX/228808-02-01-R/22.3393060385@web161605.mail.bf1.yahoo.comAND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE. http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/157005-0hggvGp04SlpDZA1RmD7/MessagePart/INBOX/228808-02-01-R/23.3393060385@web161605.mail.bf1.yahoo.com


I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION !!!
PLEASE KEEP !!! THIS GOING......FORWARD TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY
IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP AMERICA !!!!!!!!!!!!


What a joke we have become?

[Chiefster]

...And the rest of the world is laughing I'm sure.

[tornadospotter]

Nebraska Perspective...



The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, aUniversity of Nebraska
graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Cornhusker.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So,Dad, I assume you
will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is
acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take youhome. And a limousine
will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in
New York .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best
caterer in New York, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20,2017, Susan Cornhusker is being sworn In as
President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him
Leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming

President of the United States.’

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Nebraska.

[tornadospotter]

Kinda makes me re-think my summer activities....
Happy Spring!














God said: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST.. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST.. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST.. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. T he Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST.. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis....


Got this just in time, I was going to mow and then kill little yellow flowers. Instead I will just :bananen_smilies046::D

[Chiefster]

In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?'

I put......'Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable b****rds, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 80,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in Texas, half of freaking Mexico, Some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a sorry *** President!'

Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.

[tornadospotter]

Doesn't matter where your politics take you, this is creative....
John's Chicken Farm
John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.
I am going to follow the researcher, John the Chicken farmer. :smile

[kcvet]

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,


'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

[tornadospotter]

IT'S SO HOT IN SOUTH DAKOTA ...

..the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

..the trees are whistling for the dogs.

..the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

..hot water comes from both taps.

..you can make sun tea instantly.

..you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

..the temperature drops Below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.

..you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

..you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

..you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

..you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.

..your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on
the pavement and cook to death?

..you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.

..the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.

..the cows are giving evaporated milk.

..farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

AND..................IT'S SO DRY and RAINLESS IN SOUTH DAKOTA ....

..that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling.

..the Methodists are using wet-wipes.

..the Presbyterians are giving rain checks.

..and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!

[AkChief49]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck

[Chiefster]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck

:lol::lol::lol:

[Chiefster]

BREAKING NEWS: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

[kcvet]

update:

@TPCarney: Krugman says it wasn't big enough.

@comradescott: Evidently the quake occurred on a little known fault line outside of DC called "Bush's Fault".

@calebhowe: Breaking: Obama administration points out they "inherited" fault lines from previous administrations.

@MaizeBlueNation: Fox News claims the Washington monument is leaning to the right, MSNBC claims it's leaning to the left. More news at 11.

@charliespiering: I won't stop shaking until Obama makes a speech telling me that everything is ok and that he has a plan

@Ben_Howe: As all of DC leaves work at the same time, the United States experiences a brief economic recovery.

[Chiefster]

update:

@TPCarney: Krugman says it wasn't big enough.

@comradescott: Evidently the quake occurred on a little known fault line outside of DC called "Bush's Fault".

@calebhowe: Breaking: Obama administration points out they "inherited" fault lines from previous administrations.

@MaizeBlueNation: Fox News claims the Washington monument is leaning to the right, MSNBC claims it's leaning to the left. More news at 11.

@charliespiering: I won't stop shaking until Obama makes a speech telling me that everything is ok and that he has a plan

@Ben_Howe: As all of DC leaves work at the same time, the United States experiences a brief economic recovery.

:lol::lol::lol:

[kcvet]

20 Stunning Photos Of The Damage Caused By The East Coast Earthquake

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2011/08/55.jpg

more here (http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/stunning-photos-of-damage-caused-by-the-east-coast)

[KristofLaw]

Monkey Organization

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but *******s.

[KristofLaw]

Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

[AkChief49]

20 Stunning Photos Of The Damage Caused By The East Coast Earthquake

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2011/08/55.jpg

more here (http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/stunning-photos-of-damage-caused-by-the-east-coast)
:lol::lol:that was just a shaker!

[kcvet]

Remember the couple who sneaked into the White House with no credentials?

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2011/08/77.jpg


WELL!! They're still there!!!

[kcvet]

Early Retirement

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help after Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHyT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided them on the amount of SHyT they give our citizens...

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHyT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHyT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions,
the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[AkChief49]

Early Retirement

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help after Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHyT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided them on the amount of SHyT they give our citizens...

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHyT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHyT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions,
the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
:sign0085::sAng_scream:..gulp!

[tornadospotter]

:sign0094::sAng_scream::mob::sign0135: :sterb003:

[Hayvern]

Recently, the LA zoo decided they wanted to breed Mookey, their albino gorilla. The zoo handlers scoured the land to find a suitable mate for Mookie.

When the handlers returned to report to their superiors, they were asked, "Have you found a mate for Mookie?" The handlers said that yes, they had found a suitable mate, his name was Joe Kawsluski from Chicago.

They decided to fly Joe in for an interview. They asked Joe, "would you be willing to mate with Mookie for $20,000"? Joe thought about it a moment and said, "Under three conditions: 1. The can be no kissing on the lips, 2. The offspring must be raised catholic, and 3. It will take me a couple of weeks to come up with the $20,000"

[AkChief49]

Recently, the LA zoo decided they wanted to breed Mookey, their albino gorilla. The zoo handlers scoured the land to find a suitable mate for Mookie.

When the handlers returned to report to their superiors, they were asked, "Have you found a mate for Mookie?" The handlers said that yes, they had found a suitable mate, his name was Joe Kawsluski from Chicago.

They decided to fly Joe in for an interview. They asked Joe, "would you be willing to mate with Mookie for $20,000"? Joe thought about it a moment and said, "Under three conditions: 1. The can be no kissing on the lips, 2. The offspring must be raised catholic, and 3. It will take me a couple of weeks to come up with the $20,000"
:lol::lol:I just blew coffee all over my monitor!

[AkChief49]

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,



'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

[Chiefster]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with."

[kcvet]

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. Although she only a stableman's daughter, all the horse menure.

27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[AussieChiefsFan]

Puns for Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. Although she only a stableman's daughter, all the horse menure.

27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

:lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

Two Lawyers



Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.







Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.....................








One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."









The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."









But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.









The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time..... So ... Do you think we should ....well ..... You know ...... Screw her?"



" Out of what ???" asked the other lawyer.

[tornadospotter]

This not really a joke, but a good answer.

Major General Peter Cosgrove is an ' Australian treasure! '

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.

[tornadospotter]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.


The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."

[Canada]

Thanks Carson!!http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/296871_10150895711320007_588035006_20984289_107750 3590_n.jpg

[Canada]

Thanks Kyle!!
http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s320x320/309559_10150895704475007_588035006_20984186_195340 5324_n.jpg

[AussieChiefsFan]

Thanks Carson!!http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/


Thanks Kyle!!
http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

It's funny 'cos it's true:bananen_smilies046:

[kcvet]

The next time you're bored and have nothing better to do, go to a pubic place, get out your cell phone, don't turn it on, but speak into it like the guy in this video.

Video of a Prank by CMT - YouTube