The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

[Seek]

There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

[Coach]

I think we tried it once, but there weren't a whole lot of jokes being added.

[Seek]

I think we tried it once, but there weren't a whole lot of jokes being added.

Well, I didn't think that was a very original Idea, but I didn't see anything regarding it so I thought I would try for my 1K. :D

[Chiefster]

Well, I didn't think that was a very original Idea, but I didn't see anything regarding it so I thought I would try for my 1K. :D

...Comming up! :sign0104: :D

YouTube - Posting and you

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3998&highlight=joke

[hermhater]

:bananen_smilies046:

YouTube - How to Behave on a internet forum

Get with the times old man!

:lol:

[royalswin100games]

Here's a joke:

Herm Edwards offensive scheme.

[Canada]

Here's a joke:

Herm Edwards offensive scheme.

That was last year....you'll see!! :bananen_smilies046:

[tornadospotter]

Here is a joke, faders and there dumb *** fans!!!!!!!!!!!!
:yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:

[royalswin100games]

That was last year....you'll see!! :bananen_smilies046:


Here is a joke, faders and there dumb *** fans!!!!!!!!!!!!
:yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:

I have the first round.

:bananen_smilies046:

In the spirit of avoiding the derailment of the thread my next joke:

Darren McFadden(good luck with that O line buddy).

[Canada]

I have the first round.

:bananen_smilies046:

In the spirit of avoiding the derailment of the thread my next joke:

Darren McFadden(good luck with that O line buddy).

The funniest part of that joke will be when Dorsey puts him on his ***!! :bananen_smilies046:

[Chiefster]

:bananen_smilies046:

YouTube - How to Behave on a internet forum (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2XpnNcjpso)

Get with the times old man!

:lol:


Hey! You can't beat the classics! :11: :D

[Seek]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------- --------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------! ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[tammietailgator]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------- --------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------! ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


Just one question? Are you gay? not that it matters, but just curious :D

[Seek]

Just one question? Are you gay? not that it matters, but just curious :D

To be honest with your question, and I am sure it is not a popular opinion. I am homophobic. I easily turn up a lip to the obvious flamer and become uncomfortable around them. I don't try to be, they are nice people but I just can't help it.

That being said I am happily married with a 3 year old die hard Chiefs son with one in the oven, due by year end. A lot of those jokes are true for me, simply because my wife is just that awesome. However, I have corrupted her a little.

[tornadospotter]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------- --------------------------------------- --------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
---------------------------------------------! ----------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


:yahoo: :yahoo: :funnypost:


Just one question? Are you gay? not that it matters, but just curious :D
What are you really trying to say here tammie? :D

[tammietailgator]

To be honest with your question, and I am sure it is not a popular opinion. I am homophobic. I easily turn up a lip to the obvious flamer and become uncomfortable around them. I don't try to be, they are nice people but I just can't help it.

That being said I am happily married with a 3 year old die hard Chiefs son with one in the oven, due by year end. A lot of those jokes are true for me, simply because my wife is just that awesome. However, I have corrupted her a little.

I was kidding!! :lol:

This is a joke forum isn't it??

[Seek]

I was kidding!! :lol:

This is a joke forum isn't it??

I know you were joking. That is why I stated To Answer your questions seriously. That is one prejudice I can't get over. I have tried very hard too.

[m0ef0e]

Women think their special because they can fake an orgasm for a relationship. Big deal... Men can fake a relationship for an orgasm.

[Seek]

Women think their special because they can fake an orgasm for a relationship. Big deal... Men can fake a relationship for an orgasm.
:funnypost:

[Seek]

387

This may be a noob momement but lets see if this attachment works.

[tornadospotter]

Out of the mouths of Babes!



1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'



3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my patrol unit in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'Because you know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!!'

[tornadospotter]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. ) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.


And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...


7.) It comes in cute containers.


He got an A

[tornadospotter]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008

1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/79319-NGqUPCu49uglK0YDeJOv/MessagePart/INBOX/218863-01-02-R/001101c8e7bd$044a42f0$8e070245@DBF10J91
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was sta nding beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/79319-NGqUPCu49uglK0YDeJOv/MessagePart/INBOX/218863-01-02-R/001201c8e7bd$044a42f0$8e070245@DBF10J91
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/79319-NGqUPCu49uglK0YDeJOv/MessagePart/INBOX/218863-01-02-R/001301c8e7bd$044a42f0$8e070245@DBF10J91
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/79319-NGqUPCu49uglK0YDeJOv/MessagePart/INBOX/218863-01-02-R/001401c8e7bd$044a42f0$8e070245@DBF10J91
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/79319-NGqUPCu49uglK0YDeJOv/MessagePart/INBOX/218863-01-02-R/001501c8e7bd$044a42f0$8e070245@DBF10J91
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/79319-NGqUPCu49uglK0YDeJOv/MessagePart/INBOX/218863-01-02-R/001601c8e7bd$044a42f0$8e070245@DBF10J91

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/79319-NGqUPCu49uglK0YDeJOv/MessagePart/INBOX/218863-01-02-R/001701c8e7bd$044a42f0$8e070245@DBF10J91
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Seek]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. ) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.


And then, the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...


7.) It comes in cute containers.


He got an A


:funnypost:

[hermhater]

I know you were joking. That is why I stated To Answer your questions seriously. That is one prejudice I can't get over. I have tried very hard too.

Dude unless you're worried that you might be gay, and just don't want to put yourself in the position where you might be tempted, I wouldn't worry about gays, unless they are big, mean, and horny!

In other words, stay the hell out of prison, and you won't have to worry about it.

:welcome:

[Chiefster]

Dude unless you're worried that you might be gay, and just don't want to put yourself in the position where you might be tempted, I wouldn't worry about gays, unless they are big, mean, and horny!

In other words, stay the hell out of prison, and you won't have to worry about it.

:welcome:


:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Chiefster]

Since this has turned into what seems to be the sites official joke thread, I'll go ahead and move it into the "Locker Room".

But first a joke:

A young man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers when all the sudden this graying middle aged man stumbles over to the young man and in a drunken stupor yells: "I'M GONNA %^&*YOUR MAMMA BOY! WHAT'D YA THINK ABOUT THAT!" The young man looked at the old man and calmly said: "Give me the keys dad and I'll drive ya home."

[AkChief49]

No ******

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.
While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my rear!".

[Chiefster]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[AkChief49]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

[tornadospotter]

This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story...... (Maybe not the one Most of you expect.... So, read on!)

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.


The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,




"Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist


From the water and I will be refreshed."



There was a fish in the water thinking,





"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."



There was a bear on the shore thinking,




"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches


That fish will jump for the fly...


And I will grab the fish!!"



It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank


Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....


"Gosh," he thought,"if that fly goes down three inches...


And that fish leaps for it...


That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.


I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."



A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,



"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...


And that fish jumps for that fly..


And that bear grabs for that fish..


The dumb hunter will shoot the bear


And drop his cheese sandwich."


A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,


(as was fashionable to do on the banks of


This particular river around lunch time)



"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..


And that fish jumps for that fly ..


And that bear grabs for that fish


And that hunter shoots that bear..


And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .


Then I can have mouse for lunch."


The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he


Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.




The fish swallows the fly...


The bear grabs the fish..






The hunter shoots the bear..






The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...




The cat jumps for the mouse..


The mouse ducks...





The cat falls into the water and drowns.





NOW, The Moral Of The Story....Whenever a fly goes down three inches,Some ***** is gonna be in serious danger.

[tornadospotter]

Since this has turned into what seems to be the sites official joke thread, I'll go ahead and move it into the "Locker Room".

But first a joke:

A young man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers when all the sudden this graying middle aged man stumbles over to the young man and in a drunken stupor yells: "I'M GONNA %^&*YOUR MAMMA BOY! WHAT'D YA THINK ABOUT THAT!" The young man looked at the old man and calmly said: "Give me the keys dad and I'll drive ya home."
:yahoo: :funnypost: :sign0098:

[tornadospotter]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
:lol: :yahoo:

[tornadospotter]

:11:
Rekindling The Romance...


After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down
past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

:wheelchair:

[jtandcrew]

Awesome TS! :lol:

[Chiefster]

:11:
Rekindling The Romance...


After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down
past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

:wheelchair:

That's freakin hilarious!!!!!!!:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[AkChief49]

:11:
Rekindling The Romance...


After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down
past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

:wheelchair::lol::lol::lol::lol:perfect!!!

[AkChief49]

Hunting on a farm

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's
yard.

The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back,
however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.

He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. One of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

[Chiefster]

Hunting on a farm

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's
yard.

The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt.

The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"

The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back,
however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies.

He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."

With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.

As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. One of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

Funny stuff. That's actually an old Jerry Clower routine.

[AkChief49]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

[McLovin]

Funny stuff. That's actually an old Jerry Clower routine.
Was he with Burt Reynolds in the Bandit?
Or did he play the piano? Maybe hosts a telethon?

Im lost here.

[Hayvern]

A young couple who had been living together for a few months decided it was time to get married.

Together they went down to the local Catholic church to inquire about coming into the church to tie the knot.

The Father told them they would be able to come into the church and get married as long as they did not have sex for three months. He told them to come back in three months.

Three months later, the couple came back and the Priest asked them if they had been able to remain selibit for the last three months to which the man said.

"Well father, we tried, we really did, but one day about a week ago, well she dropped a pair of socks, and when she bent over to pick them up, I could not control myself any longer and I took her right then and there. We made love for over an hour right there on the floor!"

The Priest was flabbergasted, "I'm sorry, you two cannot come into the Catholic church!"

The man replied, "That's alright father, we cannot go into Wal-Mart anymore either!"

[AkChief49]

A young couple who had been living together for a few months decided it was time to get married.

Together they went down to the local Catholic church to inquire about coming into the church to tie the knot.

The Father told them they would be able to come into the church and get married as long as they did not have sex for three months. He told them to come back in three months.

Three months later, the couple came back and the Priest asked them if they had been able to remain selibit for the last three months to which the man said.

"Well father, we tried, we really did, but one day about a week ago, well she dropped a pair of socks, and when she bent over to pick them up, I could not control myself any longer and I took her right then and there. We made love for over an hour right there on the floor!"

The Priest was flabbergasted, "I'm sorry, you two cannot come into the Catholic church!"

The man replied, "That's alright father, we cannot go into Wal-Mart anymore either!":lol::lol:

[Seek]

some of these jokes are awesome. I really needed a laugh today. Thanks.

[tornadospotter]

My sis in North Platte forwards me these articles - a lady writes for the paper there (I think). Usually a fun read. TA




Headline: Shed a tear, and unload some old junk


It was one year ago, almost to the day that we loaded up our eldest son and hauled his freshman-loving wares to college.

As his mother I must admit that it nearly broke my heart. In a way that some just don't understand, I couldn't bear the thought of my first born spending every night away from me.

I cried as he packed his boxes, I wept when he stacked them in the hall and I sobbed like a baby as he loaded them in the car and made it obvious that he intended to drive away.

While my younger three boys sang songs such as, "Achy-Breaky Heart," and the ever loving, "Carry On Our Wayward Son," I stood in the doorway and sniveled.

I also bawled as we drove down the interstate, cried like a fool as we carried boxes to his dorm, and when the moment came to bury my face in my hanky and leave him in that dank little room, there were some who wondered if I needed medication.

I adjusted, however, for I am nothing if not a woman of adaptability and modification. I got used to less laundry, I relished fewer electronics in the living room and I embraced the fact that at least one bedroom in the house was clean enough for unexpected guests.

Just as I began realize that one less offspring around the house wasn't altogether a bad thing, Vernon came home for the summer.

Or at least I heard that he came home for the summer. I'm not sure that I actually saw the kid, but word in the kitchen had it that he was about the premises.

There were the tell-tale signs of Vernon's presence such as his oversized shoes all about the abode, and gallons of milk left out on the counter. Not to mention the socks that were strewn all over the living room. And the real confirmation that Vernon was alive and well at the Clinch Compound came when the doorbell rang and the house filled with 30 young men who said that Vernon had invited them over for a poker party.

Given that, you would think that a mother such as myself would be leaping for joy at the prospect of Vernon packing his spades and heading off to college once more. Call me a masochist, but it simply is not so.

As out of line as it may seem, the thought of him leaving started tugging at my heart strings just last week and I couldn't help but feel the heartbreak of letting him go all over again.

I was just about to pull a fresh hankie from the box and douse my sorrows by pouring extra cream into my coffee, when I got an email from a dear cousin who was driving her daughter to college and leaving her at the curb of her apartment with their old couch.

"Lady Luck is certainly smiling upon us!" she wrote, and I swear I could almost sense her glee through the cyber space. "I've wanted a new couch for 16 years and now I have a reason. I've given her my old bedroom set, silverware and heaven help me—I've found a new home for the hook rug that Jim's mother gave us as a wedding gift." And therein lies the joy.

What better way could a mother console herself? For you see, if Vernon needs to set up shop, then he's going to need some wares and who better than his mother to insure he wants for nothing?

Suddenly I'm looking around the house and thinking to myself, I've hated these end tables for years! The coffee table certainly could go, and why haven't I noticed before how perfect my macramé plant hanger would look in a college apartment?

Much to my husband's dismay, I'm giving Vernon our Corningware plates, dull knives and mismatched glasses. The coffee maker is making the trip, the toaster is all but boxed up and the two-legged colander is just the perfect touch of home that Vernon's kitchen needs.

"Hey Vernon, you're not picky about towels are you?" I asked as I tossed eight frayed and faded bath sheets into a box. "And how do these tumblers look to you?'' The silverware is going, the worn out hallway rug was packed within seconds and if that old futon that has been hanging out in the garage for five years doesn't complete a
19-year-old kid's living space, I don't know what will.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be choked up as I drive away and leave my darling son behind. But, as I embrace the prospect of a new set of dishes I realize—I'll probably be OK.

I do not about you all, but this brings a tear to my eye!

[Hayvern]

My sis in North Platte forwards me these articles - a lady writes for the paper there (I think). Usually a fun read. TA




Headline: Shed a tear, and unload some old junk


It was one year ago, almost to the day that we loaded up our eldest son and hauled his freshman-loving wares to college.

As his mother I must admit that it nearly broke my heart. In a way that some just don't understand, I couldn't bear the thought of my first born spending every night away from me.

I cried as he packed his boxes, I wept when he stacked them in the hall and I sobbed like a baby as he loaded them in the car and made it obvious that he intended to drive away.

While my younger three boys sang songs such as, "Achy-Breaky Heart," and the ever loving, "Carry On Our Wayward Son," I stood in the doorway and sniveled.

I also bawled as we drove down the interstate, cried like a fool as we carried boxes to his dorm, and when the moment came to bury my face in my hanky and leave him in that dank little room, there were some who wondered if I needed medication.

I adjusted, however, for I am nothing if not a woman of adaptability and modification. I got used to less laundry, I relished fewer electronics in the living room and I embraced the fact that at least one bedroom in the house was clean enough for unexpected guests.

Just as I began realize that one less offspring around the house wasn't altogether a bad thing, Vernon came home for the summer.

Or at least I heard that he came home for the summer. I'm not sure that I actually saw the kid, but word in the kitchen had it that he was about the premises.

There were the tell-tale signs of Vernon's presence such as his oversized shoes all about the abode, and gallons of milk left out on the counter. Not to mention the socks that were strewn all over the living room. And the real confirmation that Vernon was alive and well at the Clinch Compound came when the doorbell rang and the house filled with 30 young men who said that Vernon had invited them over for a poker party.

Given that, you would think that a mother such as myself would be leaping for joy at the prospect of Vernon packing his spades and heading off to college once more. Call me a masochist, but it simply is not so.

As out of line as it may seem, the thought of him leaving started tugging at my heart strings just last week and I couldn't help but feel the heartbreak of letting him go all over again.

I was just about to pull a fresh hankie from the box and douse my sorrows by pouring extra cream into my coffee, when I got an email from a dear cousin who was driving her daughter to college and leaving her at the curb of her apartment with their old couch.

"Lady Luck is certainly smiling upon us!" she wrote, and I swear I could almost sense her glee through the cyber space. "I've wanted a new couch for 16 years and now I have a reason. I've given her my old bedroom set, silverware and heaven help me—I've found a new home for the hook rug that Jim's mother gave us as a wedding gift." And therein lies the joy.

What better way could a mother console herself? For you see, if Vernon needs to set up shop, then he's going to need some wares and who better than his mother to insure he wants for nothing?

Suddenly I'm looking around the house and thinking to myself, I've hated these end tables for years! The coffee table certainly could go, and why haven't I noticed before how perfect my macramé plant hanger would look in a college apartment?

Much to my husband's dismay, I'm giving Vernon our Corningware plates, dull knives and mismatched glasses. The coffee maker is making the trip, the toaster is all but boxed up and the two-legged colander is just the perfect touch of home that Vernon's kitchen needs.

"Hey Vernon, you're not picky about towels are you?" I asked as I tossed eight frayed and faded bath sheets into a box. "And how do these tumblers look to you?'' The silverware is going, the worn out hallway rug was packed within seconds and if that old futon that has been hanging out in the garage for five years doesn't complete a
19-year-old kid's living space, I don't know what will.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still be choked up as I drive away and leave my darling son behind. But, as I embrace the prospect of a new set of dishes I realize—I'll probably be OK.

I do not about you all, but this brings a tear to my eye!

It certainly brings a tear to my eye. At least now I know I am not alone, there is at least one other person out there with the name "Vernon"!

[AkChief49]

Al Davis is in a school and he goes into one classroom and says "now kids can anyone tell me what a tragedy would be?"

One boy sticks his hand up and says "If my friend was playing football in the street and got run over by a car that would be a tragedy".

"No", says Davis "That would be described as an accident".

So a girl puts her hand up and says "If a bus carrying about 50 children fell of a cliff and every child died that would be a tragedy".

"'Fraid not". says Davis "That would be a great loss".

So then silence, no-one answers.

"What", says Davis "Can't anyone tell me what a tragedy would be".

Eventually little Johnny at the back puts his hand up and says, "If a plane carrying Al Davis was blown up by a bomb that would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful", beams Al and he says "Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

The boy replies, "Well it would not be an accident and it certainly would not be a great loss"

[jtandcrew]

Al Davis is in a school and he goes into one classroom and says "now kids can anyone tell me what a tragedy would be?"

One boy sticks his hand up and says "If my friend was playing football in the street and got run over by a car that would be a tragedy".

"No", says Davis "That would be described as an accident".

So a girl puts her hand up and says "If a bus carrying about 50 children fell of a cliff and every child died that would be a tragedy".

"'Fraid not". says Davis "That would be a great loss".

So then silence, no-one answers.

"What", says Davis "Can't anyone tell me what a tragedy would be".

Eventually little Johnny at the back puts his hand up and says, "If a plane carrying Al Davis was blown up by a bomb that would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful", beams Al and he says "Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

The boy replies, "Well it would not be an accident and it certainly would not be a great loss"


:lol: :sign0098:

[Hayvern]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night,
when one turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,
I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house,
I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom,
stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg
to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up,
and Yells at me for staying out so late!
"His buddy looks at him and says
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway,
slam the door,
storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water,
then use the full flush,
throw my shoes in the closet,
undress in the bedroom,
then jump into bed,
slap her on the *** and say!,
WHO'S HORNY????!!!"
and she acts like she's sound asleep.

[tornadospotter]

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware." "How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."


She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---," he swallows excitedly, "We can watch KANSAS CITY CHIEFS football from here?"

[tornadospotter]

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman
rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent Just as I was
thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his
mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the
stroller too.".

-----------------------------

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter,
Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before,
she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was
doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of
those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

-----------------------------------

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter,
Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to
be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with
me like you do now.

Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all
those things anyway."

----------------------------------

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

"No, no, no!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior."

With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No,
thank you!

---------------------------

On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course
and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole.

"Who's winning?" I shouted.

"I am," said one kid.

"Me," said another.

"No, me," yelled the third.

Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, "Their mother
is."

------------------------------

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my
son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies,
but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke
up in disgust.

"You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't
know the answer."

----------------------

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son
down and broke the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time,"
I told him. "I'm going to Iraq .."

"Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over
there?"

-----------------------

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children
stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his
wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A
counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know
that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made
this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing
bottle?" Blank stares. "Well, you've probably seen his face on his
lemonade carton."

An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"

-----------------------

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was
constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might
like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice
cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. "Hey, Jermon," I called
out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen.

"Look! I found some chili."

Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm
not really sure I want it."

-------------------

My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece
learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble.

"You can spell Sczygelski any way you like," he pointed out.
"Who's going to know if it's wrong?

[jtandcrew]

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware." "How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."


She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---," he swallows excitedly, "We can watch KANSAS CITY CHIEFS football from here?"


:lol: :sign0098:

[tornadospotter]

--- While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.

'Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb *** put him up there in the first place.:D
Not me.

[jtandcrew]

:lol: :sign0098:

[rbedgood]

Okay this couple was driving on I-40 from Flagstaff, AZ on their way to Vegas to elope. They were really excited to be getting married, but tragically they were involved in a head-on collision and died. When they arrived at the pearly gates, they were quickly admitted however they had one question for St Peter...they wanted to know if there was any way they could get married up in heaven. St Peter said, well in all my years up here, I've never seen a wedding, but why don't you guys head over to that line over yonder and you can ask the "Big guy". So they wait in line and a couple months later they get to the front. They ask God if they can get married.

God says, "Are you sure?"
They both instantly reply, "Yes"
So God ponders the situation for a few minutes and says, "I'll make you a deal...you go and enjoy heaven for 10 years, you have all of eternity...if at the end of 10 years you still want to marry, then we'll work it out"

So 10 years later, they gain another audience with God and tell Him they still want to get married...so God says, "Then it will be so"

There was a huge celebration in heaven, and the joyous couple finally got their wish. However it wasn't 6 months later when they realized, in heaven there is no "until death do us part"...and they weren't so happy about being married.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo....they gain yet another audience with God and tell him where things are at, and say, "is there any way we can get a divorce?"

God looks at them, and just laughs..."Guys it took me 10 years to get a preacher up here, any idea on how long it'll take to get a lawyer?"

[tornadospotter]

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/393304-IinrKTdDCD411E2ehavj/MessagePart/Randy/1414-02-B/image001.jpg

[tornadospotter]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on
her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have
as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type
apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be
designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull****tin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . .. You started it.'

[AkChief49]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on
her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have
as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type
apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be
designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull****tin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . .. You started it.'

:lol::lol::lol:that's just plain funny right there!!:D

[AkChief49]

One Smart Redneck!


"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas Buddy"

[hardcorechiefsfan]

A farmer from the wheat fields of Kansas dies and goes to hell.
Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the
rest there are. He checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity.

So he goes to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer replies,
"I like it here. It's just like plowing my fields in June."

Unhappy with the farmer's response, the devil goes back to his controls
and turns the temperature up to 105 degrees and 90% humidity. After
making the adjustment, the devil goes looking for the farmer.

Finding him just as happy as can be, the Devil frustratingly asks the
farmer again why he's so happy. "This is even better now! It's like pulling weeds in the fields during July!" says the farmer.

The Devil, now quite upset and deciding to make the farmer really
suffer, returns to his controls and cranks the! heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%.

"Now we'll see if that farmer is smiling!" he thinks as he goes looking
for the farmer again. Finding him sitting on the floor happy as ever,
the Devil is madder than before. When he asks the farmer why he's happy
now, the farmer answers, "This is great, it's just like driving the
combine in August!"

That was enough for the Devil. Running back to his controls, he turns
the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero. Within a
matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over.

"Let's see what that farmer has to say about this," snickers the Devil
to himself. To his surprise, the Devil returns to find the farmer
running around and jumping for joy, yelling at the top of his lungs:

"The Chiefs won the Super Bowl! I can't believe it! The Chiefs won the Super Bowl!" :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:

[hermhater]

************* Warning this isn't a joke!

It really happened! *****************

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

[tornadospotter]

Illegal Immigrant Sex

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?' he
asks. '$100,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?' 'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.' 'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you $300.' 'No', she says.

'I pay you $400.' 'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?''. So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every
kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

[tornadospotter]

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died 2 years ago. I just married his f#%&ing widow.

[AkChief49]

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died 2 years ago. I just married his f#%&ing widow.:lol::lol::D

[AkChief49]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.

...Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

[AkChief49]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.

They round the front porch of the farm house young rooster has closed the gap.

He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "That's the third gay rooster I bought this month.

[Seek]

I don't agree with these believes but it is kind of funny.

Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[hardcorechiefsfan]

************* Warning this isn't a joke!

It really happened! *****************

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

You aren't talking about superbowl IV are you? How many decades ago was that? The chiefs had a superbowl team then and have never been even close since then(What, maybe won a division title but no cigar).
Hence the joke.

[tornadospotter]

Thinking of Having Kids?

Do this 10 step program first!

Lesson 1
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...


1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners,
and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 2
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 3
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 5
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them
with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 6
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you
can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 7
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 8
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney,
Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but
PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know,
you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?)
Exactly the point.

Lesson 9
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly.
Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy';
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 10
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while
playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 9 above. You are now ready
to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!




--
Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. - Anonymous

[tornadospotter]

AMA Notice

American Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men ****y and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[hardcorechiefsfan]

Thinking of Having Kids?



:lol: So very true!

[Canada]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2008/10/20.jpg

[tammietailgator]

:lol:

[tornadospotter]

Grand kids are so much better!!!!

[AkChief49]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2008/10/20.jpg
yeah, that is a joke!!!:D

[tornadospotter]

This would really be funny if it weren't true.


How would you pronounce this child's name: "Le-a" ???



Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

It's pronounced "Ledasha" Oh yes...you read it right.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across
your desk like this please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name,
she said "the dash don't be silent."

[tammietailgator]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

[AkChief49]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
:lol::lol::lol::lol:does that beat the Japanese?

[Canada]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!


:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Look at me!! I am a wise investor!!!
:bananen_smilies046::bananen_smilies046::bananen_s milies046::bananen_smilies046::bananen_smilies046:

[Bike]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Look at me!! I am a wise investor!!!
:bananen_smilies046::bananen_smilies046::bananen_s milies046::bananen_smilies046::bananen_smilies046:
Very wise!!!:bananen_smilies046:

[tornadospotter]

The Man Rules




At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down!

Finally , the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules' from the female side,
now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered ' 1 ' …..ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides…
Let it be.


1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one!


1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both!
If you already know best how to do it…just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.



1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act
like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to…expect an
answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really .


1. Don 't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, golf or football!!


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


1. Thank you for reading this….

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

[AkChief49]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[tornadospotter]

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/47125-X6cW5OKTumeVKwIYhmxq/MessagePart/Junk_Mail/230090-02-B/Corn%20Maze%20for%20Blondes.jpg

Had to post this!

[Guru]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

Had to post this!

I received this in my email today as well.

Don't they have to find it before they can get lost in it though?

[IlovetheChiefs]

How about when I was a little kid and another little kid told me the first dirty joke I ever heard. I'll tell it just as I recall him telling it:

A 4 year old boy was taking a shower with his dad. The boy said, "Daddy, what's that?" He said, "It's my nerve." Then later the boy was outside playing and a heavy woman walked by. He said, "Wow you're fat!" She said, "You have some nerve!" He said, "If you think I've got a big nerve you oughta see my dad's!"

[Sn@keIze]

I gotta joke for you..................

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2008/11/11.jpg

[AkChief49]

I gotta joke for you..................

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2008/11/11.jpg
Dude, Halloween is over!!:D

[chief31]

It is amazing that at 1-7 we still have someone to laugh at in this league.

[hardcorechiefsfan]

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”
Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there.
“I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

[Chiefster]

A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender sais: "So, why the long face?".

[tornadospotter]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[tornadospotter]

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep......... ......... .SHE'S BLONDE

[Sn@keIze]

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

[Sn@keIze]

Criminal Mastermind

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

[Sn@keIze]

Tail Light On Bike

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[tornadospotter]

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director






TO: All Employees






DATE: 1st November 2008






RE: Christmas Party







I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place

on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the

Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a

small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A

Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees

can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make

the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only

for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.










Merry Christmas to you and your Family.




Pauline










-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------










FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director




TO: All Employees




DATE: 2nd November 2008




RE: Holiday Party







In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides

with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on

we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any

other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree

or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your

enjoyment.







Happy now?







Happy Holidays to you and your family.




Pauline.










-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------










FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director




TO: All Employees




DATE: 6th November 2008




RE: Holiday Party




Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to

accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA

Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle

this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed

now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and

Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE

ALLOWED.







Pauline.










------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------










FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director




TO: All Employees




DATE: 7th November 2008




RE: Holiday Party







What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a

luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'

beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until

the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home

in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for

members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and

pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are

allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men,

each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements

for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross

dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short

people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot

control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood

pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for

Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I

miss anything?!?!?!?!?!







Pauline.










------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------










FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director




TO: All F****** Employees




DATE: 8 November 2008




RE: The F******* Holiday Party.










Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep

this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit

quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so

quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic

tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you

slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!










I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.




The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------










FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director




TO: All Employees




DATE: 9th November 2008




RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party




I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and

I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the

Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give

everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.










John




Epilog: Pauline was convicted of 67 hate crimes and is serving 10 to 15 at Leavenworth.

[Chiefster]

I have a great knock, knock joke. You start it out...

[tornadospotter]

Ok I am game.
Knock, Knock

[Chiefster]

Who's there? :D

[tornadospotter]

tornadospotter

[Chiefster]

tornadospotter

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I believe you have missed the joke. :D

[tornadospotter]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I believe you have missed the joke. :D
:sign0153: Thats what happens with age, and you young folk. :11:

[Chiefster]

:sign0153: Thats what happens with age, and you young folk. :11:

HA! who you callin young Kiddo! :wheelchair:

[tornadospotter]

HA! who you callin young Kiddo! :wheelchair:
How many Grandkids do you have? I am a Grand!!!!Pa!!!!

[tornadospotter]

Well Chiefster must be older, seeing how he is say goodnight already!

[Chiefster]

How many Grandkids do you have? I am a Grand!!!!Pa!!!!

...Has nothin to do with anything! :p


Well Chiefster must be older, seeing how he is say goodnight already!

Eggsactly!

[tornadospotter]

This brings me to tears. :yahoo:








**** TOILET FOR TWO ****

Date: 2008-11-06, 9:20PM PST


I have come to the conclusion that I must sell my TwoDaLoo, and that saddens me. I purchased this baby for my wife. Well, it was our 4 year anniversary and I really wanted to give her something special, something that I put a lot of thought into, and most importantly something we could do together. I thought what better thing to do together than to poo together. After countless hours of research I found The TwoDaLoo. The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It's supposed to bring couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. My wife was disgusted and has since left me. I explained to her that we could be as one if we could rock a big one out together. I can't think of a better way to end a romantic dinner out. And how cool would Taco Tuesday have been – had she been just a little more open minded. It's just not the same when you use it alone – and the empty seat next to me just reminds me of her.

The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. I purchased the upgraded version; you know the one that includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station. I will provide my personal play list (should you choose to by her) – songs like "I'm Coming Out" and "You Dropped a Bomb on me" and "Love Stinks" will be just a few.

I truly hope that someone can use my T for T (toilet for two) and find the happiness that I was so looking for.

[tornadospotter]

Military Humor
THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!!!


http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/1.3020552750@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/2.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/3.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/4.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~ ~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/5.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/6.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/7.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/8.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/9.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/10.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com

[tornadospotter]

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/11.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/12.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/13.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/14.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/15.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/16.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/17.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/18.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/19.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com
~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/174364-6kp7wUKvxuH6oEUeByAl/MessagePart/INBOX/221097-01-02-R/20.3020552751@web52212.mail.re2.yahoo.com




Keep on Smilin'!!



God Bless America !!!

[tornadospotter]

Stimulus Payment Info.

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

[Sn@keIze]

This brings me to tears. :yahoo:








**** TOILET FOR TWO ****

Date: 2008-11-06, 9:20PM PST


I have come to the conclusion that I must sell my TwoDaLoo, and that saddens me. I purchased this baby for my wife. Well, it was our 4 year anniversary and I really wanted to give her something special, something that I put a lot of thought into, and most importantly something we could do together. I thought what better thing to do together than to poo together. After countless hours of research I found The TwoDaLoo. The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It's supposed to bring couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. My wife was disgusted and has since left me. I explained to her that we could be as one if we could rock a big one out together. I can't think of a better way to end a romantic dinner out. And how cool would Taco Tuesday have been – had she been just a little more open minded. It's just not the same when you use it alone – and the empty seat next to me just reminds me of her.

The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. I purchased the upgraded version; you know the one that includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station. I will provide my personal play list (should you choose to by her) – songs like "I'm Coming Out" and "You Dropped a Bomb on me" and "Love Stinks" will be just a few.

I truly hope that someone can use my T for T (toilet for two) and find the happiness that I was so looking for.speaking of...
Love On The Toilet Video (http://www.bofunk.com/video/8114/love_on_the_toilet.html)

[hermhater]

:lol:

[tornadospotter]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

[tornadospotter]

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/15380-C6n0yXNUkte9ok2HFK7v/MessagePart/Junk_Mail/243756-02-B/image001.jpg

[hermhater]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.":lol:

[tornadospotter]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/
:sign0153:

[Chiefster]

speaking of...
Love On The Toilet Video (http://www.bofunk.com/video/8114/love_on_the_toilet.html)

I just got that throw up taste in my mouth.

[jtandcrew]

Stimulus Payment Info.

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan .

And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America . You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.



ROFLMAO! That is awesome!:sign0098: :bananen_smilies046:

[prough91]

Ok guys (and gals), I have a funny as h*ll joke, but its pretty gross and not that politically correct. If thats your bag, however, contact me by pm and I'll send it to you. You might have already got it in text and its not racist.

[Chiefster]

Ok guys (and gals), I have a funny as h*ll joke, but its pretty gross and not that politically correct. If thats your bag, however, contact me by pm and I'll send it to you. You might have already got it in text and its not racist.

Anyone with a Chiefs yin - yang would not tell such a joke.

[prough91]

Anyone with a Chiefs yin - yang would not tell such a joke.

Actually yes. I tell the joke and I'm sure someone will crack on me eventually to make up for it.

[hermhater]

What's so funny?

[prough91]

What's so funny?

H-squared! Long time no see! What you been up to brother?

[tornadospotter]

Not sure this is true or not, but is funny.



Israeli Sense of Humour at UN

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.








A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.




When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'

He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.

When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.'

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'

The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.

[tornadospotter]

Politically Correct?



The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase,"Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,"Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure".

The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,"Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."

[tornadospotter]

There is a hybrid version also in the works. It is known by the project name 'MULE".

As our nation's Big 3 auto manufacturers face bankruptcy, we will all be faced with returning to the old time basics.





http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/72763-O9slBMJlwpjy3Uceeg60/MessagePart/INBOX/221390-01-02-R/7.1.0.9.0.20090212091438.01b69810@esu9.org.1

[tornadospotter]

There is a hybrid version also in the works. It is known by the project name 'MULE".



As our nation's Big 3 auto manufacturers face bankruptcy, we will all be faced with returning to the old time basics.







http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

dang the picture is gone.

[tornadospotter]

A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

[Chiefster]

Not sure this is true or not, but is funny.



IsraeliSense of Humour at UN

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.








A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.





When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'


He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.


When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.'


The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted,'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'


The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.



Thats freaking hilarious!

[tornadospotter]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her Flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

[KristofLaw]

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

[KristofLaw]

How to confuse an idiot...

452

[Chiefster]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs Smith fainted.

[tornadospotter]

Nice,,,,,, It is about time that some others post jokes here!
This is the correct place to joke around!:11: :lol:

[Vandelay]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
> remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
>
> He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one
> of those Barbie¢s in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do
> you mean, Sir?
>
> We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
> Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
> Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
> $265.95.
>
> The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
> and the others only $19.95?
>
> The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
> Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,
> Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's b@11s.
>

[tornadospotter]

:funnypost: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :sign0098:

[Vandelay]

A horse walks into a bar and the bar tender sais: "So, why the long face?".
Shannon Sharpe walk into a bar and the bartender says "So, why the horse face?"

[Sn@keIze]

Shannon Sharpe

[tornadospotter]

This was sent to me. Not really very funny.

This is too true to be funny.



The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR
tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.





A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.



B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.



C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.



D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.



E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.



While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division



Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D),
is presently asking theCongressfor
$250BILLION
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number,
what does it mean?



A.
Well, if you are one of
484,674 residents of
New Orleans
(every man, woman, child),
you each get $516,528.



B.
Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.



C.
Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets
$2,066,012.





Washington, D.C



< HELLO!>
Are all your calculators broken??





Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage ChargeTax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.



STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.



What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians?'



And I still have to
'press 1'
for English.



I hope this goes around the

[Chiefster]

Sad but true.

[Chiefster]

Shannon Sharpe walk into a bar and the bartender says "So, why the horse face?"

HA! :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

I think post 139 is pretty funny.

[tornadospotter]

SIGNS YOU'VE LIVED IN NEBRASKA TOO LONG:

-You've been on television at least 3 times describing the sound of a tornado.

-You take pride in knowing that on Saturdays, Memorial stadium is the third largest city in the state.

-You brag to other Nebraskan's about being from Omaha.

-You know how to pronounce Beatrice, Norfolk and Kearney.

-You think Coors is an imported beer.

-"Back East" means Chicago.

-You think pheasants are the most beautiful bird in the world.

-You know that the statue on the dome of the state capital is actually sowing seed - not bowling.

-You can drive through towns like Wahoo with a straight face.

-You know what "knee high by the Fourth of July" refers to.

-You list your religious preference as "Cornhusker."

-You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.

-You consider using your life savings to go to the Colorado-Nebraska football game.

-There's a tornado warning and you go outside to watch for it.

-You think Abraham Lincoln was named after the capital of Nebraska.

-"Little Smokies" are something you serve on special occasions.

-You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.

-You think the "Red Sea" refers to the football stadium on Saturdays.

-Using the elevator involves a corn truck.

-You know cow pies aren't made of beef.

-You actually buy manure.

-You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.

-You think the "N" on the football helmets stands for "knowledge"

-You leave your snow tires on year-round.

-You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.

-You skip your mother's funeral for the first day of deer season.

-You consider irrigation boots casual footwear.

-You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feed lot apart.

-You consider any building a mall, if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart.

-You know several people who have hit a deer.

-Your school classes were canceled because of the cold.

-Your school classes were canceled because of the heat.

-You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition... Example: "Where's my coat at?"

-You can actually locate Nebraska on the United States map.

-Detassling was your first job.

-You know what "cow tipping" is.

-You voted for a football coach for Congress.

-You can't understand why Johnny Carson ever left.

[Canada]

How do you keep the Oakland Raiders out of your backyard?

Paint a goal line!!

[prough91]

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.

[tornadospotter]

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.

:yahoo: :lol: :funnypost:

[tornadospotter]

http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/37059-G1WD0UnXgQ6qfukzlsv2/MessagePart/INBOX/221750-02-B/Food.JPG

:sign0153: :iamwithstupid: :character00110:

[AussieChiefsFan]

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
:funnypost::lol: :funnypost::lol: :funnypost::lol: :funnypost::lol:

[tornadospotter]

This is hilarious...........



I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so
why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my
other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when
we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the
Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was
off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps...

[tammietailgator]

:funnypost::lol:

:11: Wait.... that is actually scary and funny

[Chiefster]

I think I would have found a way to get out of the clamps; my wife tells me that it aint no easy squeez.

[Vandelay]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2009/03/113.jpg

[Chiefster]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/images/imported/2009/03/113.jpg

:lol: :lol: :lol:

That's a man with a comfortable couch and a good health care plan.

[tammietailgator]

Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
Male Procedure:


Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off. Female Procedure:


Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.I had to laugh at this! Last week, I stopped at my bank to deposit my paycheck and I was so flustered! I had picked the lane that had the ATM but also the window that has the tube sucked up and delivered. So a guy was behind me that I could tell was waiting for the ATM - I was trying to hurry and when I made my next stop at the grocery store, I looked in the passenger seat and there was the tube from the bank! So embarrassing!

[Chiefster]

You're a good sport tammie, funny stuff! :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
Male Procedure:

Drive up to the cash machine.
Put down your car window.
Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
Put window up.
Drive off.Female Procedure:

Drive up to cash machine.
Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
Re-insert card the right way.
Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
Enter PIN.
Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
Enter amount of cash required.
Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
Retrieve cash and receipt
Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
Re-check makeup.
Drive forward 2 feet.
Reverse back to cash machine.
Retrieve card.
Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
Restart stalled engine and pull off.
Redial person on cell phone.
Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
Release Parking Brake.I had to laugh at this! Last week, I stopped at my bank to deposit my paycheck and I was so flustered! I had picked the lane that had the ATM but also the window that has the tube sucked up and delivered. So a guy was behind me that I could tell was waiting for the ATM - I was trying to hurry and when I made my next stop at the grocery store, I looked in the passenger seat and there was the tube from the bank! So embarrassing!
Jeez that is funny!:yahoo: :bananen_smilies046: :funnypost:

[tornadospotter]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender, said 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.'

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spun around on his stool and steps off. He fell flat on his face. 'Damn' he said,
pulled himself up by the stool, and dusted himself off. He took a step towards the door and fell flat on his face. 'Damn, damn!'

He looked to the doorway and thought to himself that if he could just get to the door and some fresh air he would be fine. He belly crawled to the door and shimmied up the door frame. He stuck his head outside and took a deep breath of fresh air, felt much better, and took a step out onto the sidewalk, where he fell flat on his face.

'By jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he said. He could see his house just a few doors down, so he crawled to the door, hauled himself up the door frame, opened the door, and shimmied inside. He took a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and fell into bed.

The next morning his wife, Jess, came into the room carrying a cup of coffee and said, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub again.'

[Chiefster]

Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.

[partysan]

Here's a short one:

Two baby seals walk into a club...

[AkChief49]

Physics exam

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground.

The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed.

The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.

The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.

The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow.

Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper.

The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

[tornadospotter]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
Knife and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family.





What do you do?

.................................................. ............... ......









THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:










Democrat's
Answer


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that
would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a
consensus..

.................................................. ..............................



Republican's
Answer:



BANG!


....................................... ..................................



Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

[prough91]

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

Islamic terrorists cost too much to stuff.

[AkChief49]

A man, his wife, and his mother in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[AussieChiefsFan]

A man, his wife, and his mother in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:lol:

[tornadospotter]

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[tornadospotter]

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City.

He tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 34B.'

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?'

He repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra, and that you ould know what she wanted.'

'Oh, yes, now I understand,' says the sales lady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, 'So, What are the differences?'

The sales lady responds, 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'

He muses on that information for a minute and says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Baptist bra do?'

'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.'

[tornadospotter]

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.

"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have ... John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity ....


Move to Guam

Change your name.

Fake your own death!

Whatever you do .

Do Not Go!!!

I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter S quadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly.. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot, but still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho ga ve me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks.. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda B lair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that I never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me and said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

“What is it?” I asked.

"Two Bags."

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/

God Bless America !






Not a joke, but a funny story.

[AkChief49]

Very funny TS! ALL of them!

[tornadospotter]

Very funny TS! ALL of them!
Thanks, I try to bring humor to the Crowd.

[AussieChiefsFan]

So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:lol: WHERE DO YOU GET THESE JOKES??!!:bananen_smilies046:

[tornadospotter]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.

'I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know
I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a
hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid flight."

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the
woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f*!&#n' putt, didn't you?"

[Sn@keIze]

How do you make a hankerchef dance?

You put a little boogey into it.

-------------------------------------------------------

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid.

[tornadospotter]

This is a REAL neurological test.



Sit comfortably and be calm.

In other words, put your thinking process aside - I.e. Put your brain In neutral gear. 1- Find the C below.. Do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOCOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO






2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999 9999999996999999 9999999999999999 99999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
9999699999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999





3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult..

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM







This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Congratulations! One more test. Find the 44th USA President.





http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/278871-GBtBbE8PbS2YE6L2L6E1/MessagePart/INBOX/222255-01-02-R/C20DDA44BE6B45BFB50C235700815B6F@nebelfamily

[tornadospotter]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair; drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."















:bananen_smilies046: :yes: :D

[Sn@keIze]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair; drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."















:bananen_smilies046: :yes: :D:lol::lol:

Funny as hell!!!!

[AussieChiefsFan]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair; drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."















:bananen_smilies046: :yes: :D
:lol:

[Chiefster]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair; drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."















:bananen_smilies046: :yes: :D


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!















...I don't get it. :p

[AkChief49]

sorry if this is a repeat..I did not look at all the previous post's...LETTER FROM AN IOWA FARM KID

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in th is
except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He
joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in........(continued in next post)

[AkChief49]

.............Your loving daughter,

Alice

[tornadospotter]

sorry if this is a repeat..I did not look at all the previous post's...LETTER FROM AN IOWA FARM KID

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
TRAINING)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in th is
except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He
joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in........(continued in next post)


.............Your loving daughter,

Alice
Nice! I like it.:funnypost:

[tornadospotter]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Arizona. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Nebraska. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

[tornadospotter]

Got to love happy hour!

[AussieChiefsFan]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Arizona. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents. They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

"Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Nebraska. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Great joke!!!!!:lol::bananen_smilies046:

[tornadospotter]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)













First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
butdon't take as much time as you took for the first question,OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your headonly .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take1000and add40to it. Now add another1000. Now add30.
Add another1000. Now add20. Now add another1000
Now add10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary . Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!



:D

[AussieChiefsFan]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)













First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
butdon't take as much time as you took for the first question,OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your headonly .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take1000and add40to it. Now add another1000. Now add30.
Add another1000. Now add20. Now add another1000
Now add10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary . Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!



:D
Very annoying joke!

[tornadospotter]

Very annoying joke!
:D :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

:D :lol:
:bananen_smilies046: :lol: :D

[Chiefster]

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of themimmediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)













First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
butdon't take as much time as you took for the first question,OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?






Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your headonly .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take1000and add40to it. Now add another1000. Now add30.
Add another1000. Now add20. Now add another1000
Now add10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.


Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary . Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!



:D

I got the first and last one correct. :D

The second one I was thinking that you were talking about lapping the last place person.

[tornadospotter]

Oldie, but goodie.


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now"

[AussieChiefsFan]

Oldie, but goodie.


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[tornadospotter]

WARNING!!!!
Make sure you put your drinks down or anything else you have in you hands.


The Anniversary Gift


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY COW .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three-second burst would be considered conservative? SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Chiefster]

I have a great knock, knock joke!

You start...

[AussieChiefsFan]

I have a great knock, knock joke!

You start...
Knock Knock.

[Chiefster]

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

[AussieChiefsFan]

Who's there?um..........

Callum

:bananen_smilies046:

[Chiefster]

um..........

Callum

:bananen_smilies046:


:lol: :lol: :lol:

Callum who?

[AussieChiefsFan]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Callum who?
Callum Byrnes-Krickl........



.........where's this going??

[Chiefster]

Callum Byrnes-Krickl........



.........where's this going??

I think it went right over yer head and is still floatin around the room. :D :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

I think it went right over yer head and is still floatin around the room. :D :lol:
um...............


.....right...............
















































Don't worry, I know what you mean!:D

[Chiefster]

um...............


.....right...............
















































Don't worry, I know what you mean!:D

:bananen_smilies046:

[AussieChiefsFan]

:bananen_smilies046:
But anyway, you said you had a really good Knock Knock joke and when it got up to the part where most people add an interesting part it was my turn. So this time I'll start so YOU can show me the 'good' knock knock joke you know.:bananen_smilies046:

[tornadospotter]

Because I am a MAN



Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then have a couple of drinks as a kind of
Holy Communion.
__________________________________________________ __________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman: you never get as
sick as I do, so this is no problem for you.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

__________________________________________________ ___________ _____

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only).

__________________________________________________ _______________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports, or sex. I have to make
up something else when you ask, so just don't ask!!!



__________________________________________________ _________________



Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name
and recommend it to other men.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your *** look too
big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair
is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

__________________________________________________ _________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
sitting in the garden with a drink, deciding what to do next.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

[Vandelay]

http://www.entertonement.com/clips/ynrlprdpzf--I'm-a-manFootball-Mike-Gundy-Press-Conference-Mike-Gundy-"><img (http://www.entertonement.com/clips/ynrlprdpzf--I'm-a-manFootball-Mike-Gundy-Press-Conference-Mike-Gundy-&quot;><img)

[AussieChiefsFan]

__________________________________________________ ________________


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only).





I do that already!:lol:

[tornadospotter]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabbie turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

[Chiefster]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabbie turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
:funnypost::lol:

[tornadospotter]

The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!





Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver ' s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!













DANGEROUS

SAFER

SAFEST

ULTRA SAFE

What's for
dinner?

Can I help you
with dinner?

Where would you like
to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.

Are you
wearing that?

You sure
look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine

What are you
so worked up about?

Could we be
overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine..

Should you be
eating that?

You know, there are
a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece
of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.

What did you
DO all day?

I hope you didn't
over-do it today.

I've always loved you
in that robe!

Here, have some wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:


1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pitiful Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one :

13. Potential Murder Suspect.

[AkChief49]

What the Frack? I thought this was for jokes? This is more of a just to let you know topic. WOW, how do we laugh at this?
just read it- real slow

[tornadospotter]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

[Chiefster]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.


As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Priceless!

[Sweets]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Chiefster]

:lol: I think he's earned the free beer!

[Sweets]

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

[Chiefster]

:lol: :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

Ummmmm, where did she go? :sign0076:
In the mirror

[tornadospotter]

Bet you never thought of this treatment For Sunburn


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a ****** pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will ****** do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Chiefster]

Bet you never thought of this treatment For Sunburn


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a ****** pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will ****** do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

:lol::lol::lol:

Yeah, it keeps old men from rolling out of bed too.

[tornadospotter]

Bet you never thought of this treatment For Sunburn


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a( ****** pill) every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will (******) do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'


:SHOCKED::SHOCKED::damnit::sign0012::sign0079:

[Chiefster]

:SHOCKED::SHOCKED::damnit::sign0012::sign0079:

Yeah I know TS. I think that word might be filtered out because of spammers.

[AussieChiefsFan]

Bet you never thought of this treatment For Sunburn


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a ****** pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will ****** do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.':lol: :funnypost:

[tornadospotter]

Boudreaux and Clarence

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on fo years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, " I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence
13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

[Chiefster]

Boudreaux and Clarence

Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah!"

Dis went on fo years. Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses; and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "Now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge, but he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.
Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, " I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence
13 ft. 6 in.' You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


That's a lot better then the blond trying to cross a river at night on a flash light beam joke.

[doobs_05]

Raiders

[doobs_05]

even better....Broncos

[Chiefster]

Raiders


even better....Broncos

'Nough said! :lol:

[AussieChiefsFan]

IMO we need to reopen "Last one to post in this thread wins" or continue posting in the one I made.

[tornadospotter]

A young boy had just got his driver's license and asked his dad if they could discuss his use of the car

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "If you bring your grades up from C to B, study your Bible and get your hair cut ....then we'll talk about you borrowing the car."


The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You've brought your grades up and I've been watching you studying your Bible. However, I'm a bit disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut.


The lad paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's a strong argument that Jesus had long hair too."


To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went

[AkChief49]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



*


(Wait for it)


*


*


(It’s coming)

*


*


*(Ya ready?)

*


*


(Don’t hate me)

*


*


(You’re gonna hate me)

*


*


(Take a deep breath)

*


*


“He should’ve quit while he was a head…”

[tornadospotter]

:funnypost::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[wichitaj]

I got a funny joke......vanillagarilla. LOL

J/K man

[AussieChiefsFan]

I got a funny joke......vanillagarilla. LOL

J/K man
Awww.:D

[tornadospotter]

E-Mail Warning:
If you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

canned pork

because of

swine flu . . . . . . . . .


Ignore it.








It's just spam.


http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/49146-PI77VWw4hHTB1hrXSYLl/MessagePart/Junk_Mail/255018-01-02-R/149DA6F862724ECC906061E0268EA011@Marshall

[GlennBree]

E-Mail Warning:
If you receive an email



from the


Department of Health


telling you not to eat


canned pork


because of


swine flu . . . . . . . . .



Ignore it.









It's just spam.




http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/


:funnypost: :lol: :lol:

[Hayvern]

Bet you never thought of this treatment For Sunburn


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a ****** pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will ****** do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

He was obviously a better man than I!!! :lol:

[Hayvern]

http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs193.snc1/6493_1200071597498_1099773763_602195_6225220_n.jpg
PROUD HUnters

[AussieChiefsFan]

:lol: :lol:

[Chiefster]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/
PROUD HUnters


:lol: I'd be surprised if that's not a snopes submission.

[AkChief49]

http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/
PROUD HUnters
Is that HH and a big game guide hunter?:lol:

[tornadospotter]

Is that HH and a big game guide hunter?:lol:
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[AkChief49]

Last note from Fred

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "A***ole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[AkChief49]

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[AkChief49]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[AussieChiefsFan]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.:lol: :lol: :funnypost:

[Sweets]

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'
Then POOF! She was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'
Dave shouts back,
'DON'T SWING, FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

[Sweets]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking
a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river..
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

[AkChief49]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking
a joint

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river..
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Sweets]

Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2008 & 2009!! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!

Because of you:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

PS: If you don't send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!

[Sweets]

A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Redskins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Redskins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Redskins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Raiders fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raiders fan out crying like a little girl.

The Chiefs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Chiefs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Raiders fan to my back.