Joke Thread Part 1

[Sweets]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all that they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while They
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
The deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly Jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her mentally stable.

She went to tell Edna the news: "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
Rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgment
and that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the Bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How Soon
can I go home?"



Feel free to add your own jokes as we go along...

[Chiefster]

LOL!!!! Nice one!

Two guys walked into a bar; the third one ducked. :D

[Chiefster]

A horse walked into a bar and the bar tender said: "So, why the long face?"

[Sweets]

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!" The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!" "Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute." Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you!" the husband asks. "I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."

The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!" The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, "Those little *******s!"

[Canada]

A baby seal walked into a club....

[Chiefster]

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!" The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!" "Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute." Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you!" the husband asks. "I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."

The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!" The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, "Those little *******s!"

ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rep!

[Chiefster]

rrrrrrr, eeeeee, rrrrrrrrr, eeeeee.....

A blond going through a flashing red light.

[Chiefster]

A rich lady sitting at her upstairs bedroom mirror brushing her hair before she goes to bed notices the upstairs butler walking by her door and she calls to him. Being the obedient house servant that he is he enters the room to see what the lady of the house requires. She looked deep into his eyes and said: "I want you to take off my night gown!" Being the good servant that he is the butler did as he was told. Then she said: "Now, take off my bra", and the butler did as instructed. Then she said seductively: "Now, take off my panties", and so the butler did, again, as instructed. Then she said: "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU WEAR THOSE THINGS AGAIN!!!!"

[Canada]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender says to the man "You cna't bring a monkey into the bar with you!" The man replies "Don't worry, he is very well behaved and I am only staying for a quick beer and then I have to leave."

"OK" says the bartender, just make sure he behaves himself.

The bartender gives the man a beer and then watches as the monkey jumps up onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball. "That's it!" says the bartender. You two have to leave.

The man apologizes and tell the bartender that he will go home and wait until the monkey passes the cue ball, cleam it up and bring it back.

Two days later the man returns to the bar with the monkey and gives back the cue ball. He hands the bartender a $50 bill to cover the loss of income from the pool table. The bartender thanks him and offers him a beer.

While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey hops up on the bar and starts sticking peanuts up his bum then pulling them out and eating them.

"That is disgusting" says the bartender. "What the hell is he doing?"

Well...says the man. After the cue ball incident he measures everything before he eats it!!

[Sweets]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

[Chiefster]

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

LOL!!!! Nice!

Why did the blond climb the chain link fence?






She wanted to see what was on the other side.

[Sweets]

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

[Chiefster]

A blond decides to swim acrossed the atlantic ocean. Half way accrossed she gets tired and decides to swim back.



Did you hear what happened to the blond who locked her keys her car?





It took her five hours to get her family out of the car.

[Chiefster]

A blond standing on the bank of a river fishing sees her blond friend standing on the opposite side fishing as well, and wanting to go a crossed the river to spend time fishing with her friend yells a crossed to her: "HOW DO I GET ON THE OTHER SIDE!" Her friend answers back: "SILLY; YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

[chief31]

Once, in a small house, in the Smokey Mountains, a young boy, named Vern was celebrating his thirteenth birthday. His "Paw" has a surprise for Verns birthday. "K, now, Vern, today yer thirteen. Its 'bout time you lernt 'bout sex."

"Sex???" asked Vern. "Wut's that???"

"Well, Vern," started Paw, ""stedda jes tellin' ya, I'm uh gonna show ye."

Paw, then proceeded to call "Maw" upstairs, to show Vern some sex.

"Maw!!!!" Shouted PAw, " Git yer butt up here and git necked. I'm gonna teech Vern 'bout sex."

Maw does as she's told. "Now, git them cloze off and git up on that bed."

Again, Maw obeys. "K., now son..... You see that hole on maw? Well, you just wach ole Paw." Paw told vern, just before climbing aboard Maw.

Paw is giving his best to Maw, when Verns little sister Eloise happens along.

"Vern????" Asks Eloise, "Whut's Paw dooin' ta Maw, ther?"

Vern replied, " I dunnno. It's cawld sex."

Eloise, still clueless, asked " Sex? Whut's that??"

With a smile, Vern states " Well, Eloise, " 'stedda just tellin' ya, I'm uh gonna show ye."

Vern took his pants down and said to Eloise " Now, You see that hole on Paw? Well, you jes wach ole Vern, here."

[Guru]

An traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

[Chiefster]

LOL I could see that commin a mile away, but it was still funny! :D

[Guru]

Another personal favorite.....

THE WORKING U.S.

For a couple years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I am tired
because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.

You and I. And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[Chiefster]

Another personal favorite.....

LOL!!! AWESOME!

[Guru]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less
costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man
in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia,
Mississippi and West Virginia.)

[Chiefster]

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less
costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man
in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia,
Mississippi and West Virginia.)

LOL!!! Works every time!

[Guru]

TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
andher favorite candy,M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression
suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you idiot !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it wrong.

[Chiefster]

Read that one in an e-mail a few weeks ago; laughed my butt off.

[Chiefster]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom’s the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just ******* your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me..."

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad–you’re drunk!"

[Chiefster]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

[Canada]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Some things should never be joked about Chiefster.

[Chiefster]

Some things should never be joked about Chiefster.

ROFL!!!!!!!!!

My apologies Canada, I failed to recognize the seriousness of not waisting such life's necessities. I will endeavor to be more sensitive next time. :p

[kenny1937]

Two drunks going the wrong way down a one way street.
"Hey, where are we going?" said one of the drunks,
"don't know!" said the other "But we must be late, everybody else is comming back already!!"

Drunk was waiting for his friend at the local bar, after an hour and many drinks later, his friend arrives at the bar.
"Where have you been!" he said rather loudly!
"Sorry, I had a flat tire." his friend replied.
"How in the world did you have a flat tire!!"
"I ran over a bottle."
"Ran over a Bottle, Couldn't you see something as big as a BOTTLE!!"
"Nah, the kid had it hid under his coat!"

Drunk of the 18th Hole, "I'm going to hit a Long Ball now!!"
The other drunk looked at his ball and said, I'm going to hit a little round white one!"

:wheelchair: Abee, Abee, Abee, That's All Folks!

[Chiefster]

The Photo on the Night Stand. . .
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
That's me before the surgery."

[sling58]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Well I guess I am living in a vegetative state!

[Chiefster]

Well I guess I am living in a vegetative state!


:lol::funnypost:

[Sweets]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty, million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

[Chiefster]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty, million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

:lol::lol::lol:

OUCH!...Just the thought of it.