Pearly Gates--The pilot and the priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .'
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.
'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.
this is a re-hash of an old joke, but funny
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an
anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted
a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the
big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked
her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a
local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a
Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman
demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had
to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber
from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm
sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down.
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids" This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again !
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts".....no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.
"Loons and Moons".....forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
Anyone else remember the show "Alias Smith and Jones"? I do not know why that popped into my head.
Originally Posted by AkChief49
Originally Posted by AkChief49
Hey can't argue with Obama Care. :lol:
Originally Posted by AkChief49
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men...Are men!
An elderly farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..
' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Originally Posted by tornadospotter