that's my updated BIO............there's dirt then there's me
Printable View
that's my updated BIO............there's dirt then there's me
WHY JEWISH DAUGHTERS NEED THERAPY
Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me! "
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did, and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "
Jewish Mother "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"
passing the buck:
It's a slow day in a small Arkansas town and streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit…
A rich tourist drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takesthe $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more
optimism.
And that, in a nutshell, is how the United States Congress is conducting business. . .
CDC Warning
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK
It all started innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- you know, just to loosen up and be part of the crowd.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me; finally I was thinking all the time - and not so relaxed for fear of being caught.
Things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and tried to talk with my wife about the meaning of life. She went to her mother's.
Eventually I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but just couldn't help myself.
I began avoiding friends at lunchtime - to read Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzy and confused - asking things like: "What exactly are we doing here?"
Soon the boss called me in and said: "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another one."
That gave me pause. I came home early after our conversation and said to my wife: "Honey," I've been thinking..."
She said: "I know that, and I want a divorce!"
I replied: "But Honey, surely it's not that serious?" "Yes it is," she said, lower lip quivering.
She added: "College professors and faculty and philosophers don't earn much of a salary, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
I answered quickly: "That's an extremely faulty syllogism".
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
I snarled at her: "I'm going to the library!" - and stomped out the door.
I roared into the library parking lot with NPR on the radio and John Locke on my mind. I hit those big glass doors on a dead run - totally ready for some relaxing mental engagement with Thoreau or Russell.
But they wouldn't budge - the library was closed !!
I now believe that my Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line - from the Thinkers Anonymous book?
I called the 800 number - and today I'm a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. They always start with the Serenity Prayer, followed by a non-educational video (last week it was "Porky's)." Then we share about how we've avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are much better at home. Life just seems easier since I stopped thinking. I believe that the road to recovery is wide open and, in fact, nearly complete for me.
So, today I took one final step.........I joined the Democratic Party......
:D
THE TRAFFIC CAMERA
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled by at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for $124 each for driving without a seatbelt.
You can't fix stupid.
Funny, but then again, scary.
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us, You."