Actually yes. I tell the joke and I'm sure someone will crack on me eventually to make up for it.
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What's so funny?
Not sure this is true or not, but is funny.
IsraeliSense of Humour at UN
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses.
When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'
He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them.'
The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted,'What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.
Politically Correct?
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase,"Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,"Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,"Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."
There is a hybrid version also in the works. It is known by the project name 'MULE".
As our nation's Big 3 auto manufacturers face bankruptcy, we will all be faced with returning to the old time basics.
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/...810@esu9.org.1
A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her Flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
How to confuse an idiot...
Attachment 452
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted.
Nice,,,,,, It is about time that some others post jokes here!
This is the correct place to joke around!:11: :lol:
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
> remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
>
> He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one
> of those Barbie˘s in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do
> you mean, Sir?
>
> We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
> Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
> Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
> $265.95.
>
> The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
> and the others only $19.95?
>
> The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
> Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,
> Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's b@11s.
>
:funnypost: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :sign0098:
Shannon Sharpe
This was sent to me. Not really very funny.
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR
tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu (D),
is presently asking theCongressfor
$250BILLION
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number,
what does it mean?
A.
Well, if you are one of
484,674 residents of
New Orleans
(every man, woman, child),
you each get $516,528.
B.
Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C.
Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets
$2,066,012.
Washington, D.C
< HELLO!>
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage ChargeTax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians?'
And I still have to
'press 1'
for English.
I hope this goes around the
Sad but true.
I think post 139 is pretty funny.
SIGNS YOU'VE LIVED IN NEBRASKATOO LONG:
-You've been on television at least 3 times describing the sound of a tornado.
-You take pride in knowing that on Saturdays, Memorial stadium is the third largest city in the state.
-You brag to other Nebraskan's about being from Omaha.
-You know how to pronounce Beatrice, Norfolk and Kearney.
-You think Coors is an imported beer.
-"Back East" means Chicago.
-You think pheasants are the most beautiful bird in the world.
-You know that the statue on the dome of the state capital is actually sowing seed - not bowling.
-You can drive through towns like Wahoo with a straight face.
-You know what "knee high by the Fourth of July" refers to.
-You list your religious preference as "Cornhusker."
-You can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
-You consider using your life savings to go to the Colorado-Nebraska football game.
-There's a tornado warning and you go outside to watch for it.
-You think Abraham Lincoln was named after the capital of Nebraska.
-"Little Smokies" are something you serve on special occasions.
-You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial.
-You think the "Red Sea" refers to the football stadium on Saturdays.
-Using the elevator involves a corn truck.
-You know cow pies aren't made of beef.
-You actually buy manure.
-You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.
-You think the "N" on the football helmets stands for "knowledge"
-You leave your snow tires on year-round.
-You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk.
-You skip your mother's funeral for the first day of deer season.
-You consider irrigation boots casual footwear.
-You can tell the smell of a skunk and the smell of a feed lot apart.
-You consider any building a mall, if it's bigger than the local Wal-Mart.
-You know several people who have hit a deer.
-Your school classes were canceled because of the cold.
-Your school classes were canceled because of the heat.
-You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition... Example: "Where's my coat at?"
-You can actually locate Nebraska on the United States map.
-Detassling was your first job.
-You know what "cow tipping" is.
-You voted for a football coach for Congress.
-You can't understand why Johnny Carson ever left.
How do you keep the Oakland Raiders out of your backyard?
Paint a goal line!!
A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"
"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.
"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.
http://webmail.hamilton.net/Session/...-02-B/Food.JPG
:sign0153: :iamwithstupid: :character00110:
This is hilarious...........
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted
her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in
a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so
why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me
off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my
other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when
we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed
for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide
open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the
Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba
(or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was
off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care," Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making
no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps...
:funnypost::lol:
:11: Wait.... that is actually scary and funny
I think I would have found a way to get out of the clamps; my wife tells me that it aint no easy squeez.
Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
Male Procedure:
Female Procedure:
- Drive up to the cash machine.
- Put down your car window.
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Put window up.
- Drive off.
I had to laugh at this! Last week, I stopped at my bank to deposit my paycheck and I was so flustered! I had picked the lane that had the ATM but also the window that has the tube sucked up and delivered. So a guy was behind me that I could tell was waiting for the ATM - I was trying to hurry and when I made my next stop at the grocery store, I looked in the passenger seat and there was the tube from the bank! So embarrassing!
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
- Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
- Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
- Re-insert card the right way.
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve cash and receipt
- Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
- Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
- Re-check makeup.
- Drive forward 2 feet.
- Reverse back to cash machine.
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
- Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
- Restart stalled engine and pull off.
- Redial person on cell phone.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
You're a good sport tammie, funny stuff! :lol:
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender, said 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.'
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spun around on his stool and steps off. He fell flat on his face. 'Damn' he said,
pulled himself up by the stool, and dusted himself off. He took a step towards the door and fell flat on his face. 'Damn, damn!'
He looked to the doorway and thought to himself that if he could just get to the door and some fresh air he would be fine. He belly crawled to the door and shimmied up the door frame. He stuck his head outside and took a deep breath of fresh air, felt much better, and took a step out onto the sidewalk, where he fell flat on his face.
'By jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he said. He could see his house just a few doors down, so he crawled to the door, hauled himself up the door frame, opened the door, and shimmied inside. He took a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and fell into bed.
The next morning his wife, Jess, came into the room carrying a cup of coffee and said, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub again.'
Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.
Here's a short one:
Two baby seals walk into a club...
Physics exam
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground.
The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed.
The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.
To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.
The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.
The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow.
Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper.
The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."
The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.