Sorry again for those CC friends who worried with not hearing from me after MNF, my mind was in a bad place & didn't think about any one worrying until Canada texted me the latter part of last week. I did attempt to log in here a couple times just to read, not post...but we've had storms/rain most daily it seems...the couple of times I thought to log in here I lost satellite signal and/or power before I could.

I've made some close friends here at Chiefs Crowd, that I know care about me, as I care about them. I have some important things to say, rather than contact each of you directly, it's easier to make one post to all, so you'll understand what is happening now in my life. This will be a bit lengthy so you can fully comprehend. Soon I will not be able to be online at all, & I don't want y'all to worry. It will only be for a month or two, until I can get settled in Kansas City in an apartment, then I'll be back on line.

Truth is...I had to lay low for a bit the last two weeks with my internet activity, with exception of some necessary Facebook activity & behind the scenes messaging to those close to me who are helping. The negative related to my 'x' has been gradually intensifying over the year & half since he moved out, I filed for divorce, and appears to be reaching a predicted by Dr's & counselors.

I was told by my daughter after returning home from MNF, that my 'x' was raging over my going to MNF. She didn't know I went, only my son, but the 'x' told our daughter my internet friends had been giving him info about my activities. He wouldn't tell her who, she didn't know if it was one or more friends, nor if he was snooping besides Facebook. I'm only active at 3, FB, & Kid Rock's website. Kid's website has been slow with no current CD, so haven't been there much the last few months...knew he wasn't getting any info there. We've determined now we don't think he's been following my posting at Chiefs Crowd, just Facebook.

After asking my 'x' to move out, I began suffering more intense nightmares, flashbacks, went to see an MD. He pre-diagnosed PSTD...Post Stress Trauma Disorder, which many POW's, kidnap victims, abuse victims often endure after lengthy periods of emotional torment, torture, abuses. He referred me to specialists, both confirmed PSTD...for over a year I saw a trauma counselor once a week to heal. The goal was to stop nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, & related physical illness' each created with lack of sleep, fear, etc..

The more I healed & reclaimed a life & independence I had lost the last two years of marriage...began socializing again, laughing, enjoying life as much as possible...the angrier it made my 'x'. This past January he was legally told to have no further contact with me, including not allowed to come to our house...his anger intensified more. He suffers from many personality disorders...narcissism, dissassociative disorder, multiple personality disorder, etc.. Mental instability doesn't mean he's not intelligent, has lost all fact, often unstable minds are more intelligent than prior to insanity, very manipulating, calculating & plotting against victims for self benefit & accomplishing goals.

My 'x' doesn't want me happy, nor successful...he want's me to be he is. I've never been one of weak character, and my strong faith in God is my greatest strength of surviving lifes struggles or battles, regardless. He can't defeat me with God at my side, and many angels watch my back...but he continues to try.

I don't want to get into gory details, am trying to explain in shortest version possible...he doesn't want me to have a social life, want's to keep me isolated & imprisoned. It makes him angry when he discovers I'm living life happily in any way. This is the primary reason he stopped obeying all the court orders months ago, including the court ordered investment compensation he was to pay me back weekly. This relates to income I earned outside the home in my careers, but over the years invested in him, his business, etc.. He's also court ordered to pay me $150 per week extra in spousal maintenance until our house sells & I can move, since living in the country costs more in utilities, fuel, etc..

A secondary reason he stopped paying is...he doesn't have enough money to pay me what the court ordered, and take care of him & his girlfriend, whom is an addict of mulitple drugs, high maintenance in other aspects. He has spent the last 3 1/2 years self destructing, including financially destroying his business, which was a business his father founded in 1958. It's a matter of weeks before he'll have no choice but to shut down, according to our daughter, who worked for him for years, but now seeking other employment.

Wisely, our son left the family business in late 2007, a result of his dad's personality changes, the two of them no longer able to work together without raging confrontations. Our son & his wife began their own related business, and are doing fairly well all considered...thank God literally for that blessing.

When my 'x' becomes angry and/or miserable, which is most of the time...he retaliates & punishes me any way he can indirectly or from a distance...such as cutting my only source of income more & more each time I did any thing that angered him, or he blamed me for, rather than hold himself accountable for his own choices. He stopped paying completely after I returned home from the Kid Rock cruise, which of course angered him I went on the cruise & had much fun.

My kids have pleaded with him a few times to give me just enough money for a small amount of food & utilities, but he began ignoring their pleas about 4 months ago. He's given me $780 in 5 months time. I've managed to survive rationing food & I've always been habitual conserving water, electricity, so that helped. My cell phone is my original first, from 2003, never upgraded, nothing fancy in options, so it's only the basic plan about $50 monthly.

Socializing expenses, well...I make the most out of opportunity, I'm resourceful, always have been. I was raised in a low income household...began washing windows & cleaning neighbors yards when I was 8 yrs old to earn money for my school clothes, toys, whatever. I have a strong sense of pride & stubborness, so won't allow others to help me survive, and have not. However, I have been blessed in life with an over abundance of wonderful close friends, who include me when possible in their social activities at no expense burden to them. Such as, I recently rode with a close local friend to her son's wedding in Des Moines, stayed with her in her hotel room, etc.. I've only attended Chiefs games with my friend Kelly, & he's covered parking costs, all I've had to cover is my fuel to KC, which I've managed to do. In other words, I spend little socializing.

Until recently I had not told but my closest friends...Cindy & Kathy, & Dillon's mom Donna how bad my situation was. I only told Donna because I didn't want her & Dillon's feelings hurt when they pleaded with me to make a trip with them to Detriot, which I declined. My kids knew too of course. Well, the Friday prior to MNF, Dillon learned of my having little food, etc.. He panicked, posted a plea on Facebook for friends to help me. It was very humiliating when I was told about it, I was upset, but not angry at Dillon. Mostly I was worried about him worrying about me. I was able to convince those who read Dillon's plea prior to his deleting it...that I was okay.

The Tuesday after MNF I spent the day with Dillon & his parents, so they would know I was okay, then drove home. Wednesday morning I left the house at 7:30 AM drove to Lawrence in t-storms for my first appointment with an attorney I was able to obtain through Kansas Legal Aid, since I couldn't afford to pay an atty.. I spent all day at his office filling out paperwork, signing affadavits, etc., related to taking my 'x' to court holding him in contempt of every single court order in our divorce. As well, we're asking the judge to issue an order to prevent my 'x' from harrassing the real estate agent our home is listed with, which he's also been doing. We're also asking the judge to issue an order giving me the legal right to sell the house at a much lower price, since my 'x' is refusing to sell it for less than it's listing price...which is high for current market values & circumstances related. There's more, but you get the point. He's not going to be happy with me when he is served with the court summons.

I returned home from Lawrence around 6:30 PM emotionally & physically exhausted. Shortly thereafter I learned from my son, that I was going to lose my electricity any day. The week prior to MNF...he had asked my 'x', his dad, to at least pay the electric bill so my power wouldn't be shut off. My 'x' did, but my son learned the following week that he paid it with a check from an account that was no good. I began spending the next several days doing all the chores I could around the house that needed power...preparing to lose it. Well, the bank paid the check though the account was no good...according to the rural electric clerk.

My kids & I still don't understand why the bank paid the check, it could be a couple dear old friends who are VP's at the small town bank, of whom over the years I've done many favors for. I've not told them, but possibly could have been aware of my situation somehow, and helped by letting the check be paid?? For whatever reason, a small miracle occurred & I have power until the 25th of October...which will be for September's bill when it comes due in October.

I was also going to lose my cell phone...he played dirty with it too. He not only wanted to imprison me, but cut my two communication sources. Losing a PC internet provider is survivable, but I live in the remote nearest neighbor lives a mile away...I'm 10 miles to the nearest tiney town, 25 miles to nearest small town. I wouldn't have even been able to call 911 for help in an cell is my only phone. A close friend aware I was going to lose my cell...went behind my back to another friend and she paid my cell phone bill through October. I was upset at first, but my close friends who were aware of my situation...became angry with me, and more or less put me in my place. They told me they were paying it forward, for all I had done over the years for them. I was being selfish, causing others to worry without my having a phone.

So...I have power, I have a cell, I have my truck, I have food, I have an atty preparing to go to court, I have legal permission to move even if the house doesn't sell, without my 'x' saying I abandoned it & my lose residential possession. I have a plan in motion to be moved to KC before winters cold. Oh yeah, & my son came to my house for a visit last night & to give me a bit of cash to put fuel in my truck so I can drive to KC Sunday & attend the Chiefs/49ers game!!

My Chiefs friend Kelly gave me all his Season Tickets, because he's unable to attend every game with living in Wisconsin, also has weekend priorities with his youngest son. He didn't want paid for them, told me to use them for a family member or friend if I went to a game. He'll let me know in advance of which games he plans on attending, but won't be coming Sunday. So...I gave his ticket to Tammie exchange for the $22 parking fee at Arrowhead. I get to be a 12th [wo]man factor with Tammie beside me this Sunday! YEEHAW!!

Ryan aka YZILLA called me this afternoon...and I'm so excited he, Nate, & all will be there this Sunday too. I'd been upset if I'd had to miss seeing Ryan!! Also Canada, Dan & Dell...cause might not see them again for a while.

God and many angels are beside me...don't y'all ever doubt it!! Soon I'll be living in Kansas City, rebuilding my life that was raped of me...or so the 'x' thought my life was doomed. HA!