There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.
There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.
Because I am a MAN
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
__________________________________________________ _________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then have a couple of drinks as a kind of
Holy Communion.
__________________________________________________ __________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman: you never get as
sick as I do, so this is no problem for you.
__________________________________________________ ________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
__________________________________________________ ___________ _____
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
__________________________________________________ _________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
__________________________________________________ _______________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports, or sex. I have to make
up something else when you ask, so just don't ask!!!
__________________________________________________ _________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name
and recommend it to other men.
__________________________________________________ ________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your *** look too
big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair
is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
__________________________________________________ _________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
sitting in the garden with a drink, deciding what to do next.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
Last edited by Vandelay; 06-23-2009 at 06:48 PM.
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,
and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.
The cabbie turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver ' s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS
SAFER
SAFEST
ULTRA SAFE
What's for
dinner?
Can I help you
with dinner?
Where would you like
to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.
Are you
wearing that?
You sure
look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine
What are you
so worked up about?
Could we be
overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine..
Should you be
eating that?
You know, there are
a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece
of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.
What did you
DO all day?
I hope you didn't
over-do it today.
I've always loved you
in that robe!
Here, have some wine.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pitiful Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my favoriteone :
13. Potential Murder Suspect.
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
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