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Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


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    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #241
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    Quote Originally Posted by AkChief49 View Post
    Is that HH and a big game guide hunter?

  3. #242
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    Last note from Fred

    Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death.

    The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

    The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

    The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

    At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

    He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

    He opened the note, and read, "A***ole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


  4. #243
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    A turkey was chatting with a bull.

    "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

    Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:

    BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


  5. #244
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    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

    But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

    Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your son,
    John

    PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

    I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.


  6. #245
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    Quote Originally Posted by AkChief49 View Post
    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,"Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


    Dear Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice -- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

    But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

    Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your son,
    John

    PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

    I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

  7. #246
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    Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
    Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
    All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'
    Then POOF! She was gone!
    After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
    Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'
    Dave shouts back,
    'DON'T SWING, FRED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

    Women who behave,rarely make history.

  8. #247
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    A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking
    a joint

    When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

    The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


    So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

    The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river..
    A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

    The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

    The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


    'Hey you!'

    So the koala looked down at him and said,

    'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
    How much water did you drink!?'

    Women who behave,rarely make history.

  9. #248
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweets View Post
    A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking
    a joint

    When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

    The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


    So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

    The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river..
    A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

    The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

    The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


    'Hey you!'

    So the koala looked down at him and said,

    'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
    How much water did you drink!?'


  10. #249
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    Default Thanx for the important emails


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    Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2008 & 2009!! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!

    Because of you:

    I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

    I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

    I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

    I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

    I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

    I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

    When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

    I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.

    I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

    But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

    PS: If you don't send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!
    Last edited by Sweets; 08-28-2009 at 07:17 PM.

    Women who behave,rarely make history.

  11. #250
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    Default A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Redskins fan


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    A Chiefs fan, a Raiders fan and a Redskins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

    As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

    The Redskins fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Redskins fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

    The Raiders fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Raiders fan out crying like a little girl.

    The Chiefs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

    "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Chiefs fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

    "Tie the Raiders fan to my back.

    Women who behave,rarely make history.

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