Page 28 of 68 FirstFirst ... 1824252627282930313238 ... LastLast
Results 271 to 280 of 672

Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Member Since
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    2,958
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 116
    Given: 4

    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


    0 Not allowed!
    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #271
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,405
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 64

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year. I couldn't believe it...the first time ever!
    I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me and being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'. I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat below....


  3. #272
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,405
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 64

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Story of my life.









    I blame it on the Wife for not reminding me!!!
    Last edited by tornadospotter; 10-09-2009 at 10:18 PM.

  4. #273
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,405
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 64

    Default Tools in your shop.


    0 Not allowed!
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.




    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'





    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.





    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.





    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.





    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.





    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.





    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..





    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.





    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.





    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.





    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.





    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.





    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.





    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.





    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.





    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.





    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.





    Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

  5. #274
    Member Since
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Philly
    Posts
    1,880
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 0
    Given: 0

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    This isn't a joke but does anyone remember this from the classic comedy The Flintstones:

    Here we come on the run
    With a burger on a bun
    And a dab of coleslaw on the side
    Oh your taste we will tickle
    With a cold dill pickle
    And all of our potatoes are french fried fried fried
    Our burgers can't be beat
    Because we grind our own meat
    grind grind grind grind grind
    And as your on your way
    A tip upon our tray
    We hope to find find find find find
    We hope to find find find find find

  6. #275
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,405
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 64

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Vocabulary word for today.

    LIQUIDITY
    Definition:












    Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.

  7. #276
    Member Since
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Read the name dumbass!!
    Posts
    13,343
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 24
    Given: 29

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Here's a joke.....




    30 years old and he still can't dress himself.
    The only reason a beer sweats around Canada is because he's decided it will be the next beer he drinks.

  8. #277
    Member Since
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    9,668
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 395
    Given: 76

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by Canada View Post
    Here's a joke.....




    30 years old and he still can't dress himself.

  9. #278
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,405
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 64

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by Canada View Post
    Here's a joke.....




    30 years old and he still can't dress himself.

  10. #279
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,405
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 64

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES



    Excerpts from a Dog's Diary...

    8:00 am Oh! Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am Oh! A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am Oh! A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am Oh! Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 pm Oh! Lunch! My favorite thing!
    1:00 pm Oh! Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 pm Oh! Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 pm Oh! Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
    7:00 pm Oh! Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 pm Oh! Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




    Excerpts from a Cat's Diary...

    It is day 983 of my captivity...

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. While they dine lavishly on fresh meat, the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I must nevertheless eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. They merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.


    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly, and I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

    And I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    It is day 984 of my captivity...

  11. #280
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,405
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 64

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    ?10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE ?

    Commandment 1.
    Marriages are made in heaven.
    But so again, are thunder and lightning.



    Commandment 2.
    If you want your spouse to listen and
    pay strict attention to every word you say,
    talk in your sleep.



    Commandment 3.
    Marriage is grand --
    and divorce is at least 100 grand!



    Commandment 4.
    Married life is very frustrating.
    In the first year of marriage,
    the man speaks and the woman listens.
    In the second year, the woman speaks
    and the man listens.
    In the third year, they both speak and
    the neighbors listen.



    Commandment 5.
    When a man opens the door of his car
    for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
    Either the car is new or the wife is.





    Commandment 6.


    Marrriage is when a man and woman
    become as one; the trouble starts when
    they try to decide which one.


    Commandment 7.
    Before marriage, a man will lie awake
    all night thinking about something you
    said. After marriage, he will fall asleep
    before you finish.



    Commandment 8.
    Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
    understanding, economical, and a good
    cook. But the law allows only one wife.



    Commandment 9.
    Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
    understanding, economical and a considerate
    lover, but again, the law allows only
    one husband.



    Commandment 10.
    Man is incomplete until he marries.
    After that, he is finished.



    Bonus Commandment story.
    A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

    The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

    The husband decided to make a wish too.


    But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.


    The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"


Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •