The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

[Seek]

There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

[tornadospotter]

TEN BEST CADDY REMARKS:


#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[tornadospotter]

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Margaritas can help ease you out of your troubles and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Anxiety and exhaustion will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop struggling and
start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
Dizziness
Nausea
Vomiting
Incarceration
Erotic lustfulness
Loss of motor control
Loss of clothing
Loss of money
Loss of virginity
Table dancing
Headache
Dehydration
Dry mouth
And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.

[tornadospotter]

In the Interest of Men's Health and Happiness!



Garbage Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no," said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his business through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."



















Be sure to have a 20 dollar bill, if you pee threw a fence on game day!

[kcvet]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.

It's doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[tornadospotter]

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom
but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"

[tornadospotter]

'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

'It ain't my fault this time,' Miss Crabtree. 'You can blame this'un on My Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.

'You see, Miss Crabtree; out at the ranch we got this here low down Coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''

'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids. 'He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

'To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barreled 12 Gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then as we all looked on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!

'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this Mornin!'

[tornadospotter]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..


Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.


I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."


"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[AkChief49]

The Pope in Alaska
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'

'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom
but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait
still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another
one?"

TEE HEE!!!!

[tornadospotter]

TOP TEN COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONGS



10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine



9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few



8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me



7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'



6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win



5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here



4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him



3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger



2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer







And the Number One Country & Western song is...



1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My *** All Day

[Chiefster]

Good stuff TS!