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Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


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    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #371
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    Quote Originally Posted by kcvet View Post
    Thank you all !!!

    I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

    I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one past time while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

    I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

    I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t even pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

    I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

    Oh, by the way.....

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

    P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet


    I hate all those chain emails!! Especially the ones that predict doom if I don't forward them. Maybe that was my mistake, I never forwarded any of them, lol. I only forward the ones to friends with pretty photo's, such as the one with the Northern Lights...or a really funny joke one, like this one! hahahaha

    "Official Chiefs Crowd / Historian/Correspondent / Ambassador"

    "The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall. The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it." ~Vince Lombardi~

  3. #372
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    Okay, I can't quote them all, but OMGawd are there some hilarious ones! I need to visit this forum more often for laughing out loud! I missed so many, LOL.

    "Official Chiefs Crowd / Historian/Correspondent / Ambassador"

    "The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall. The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it." ~Vince Lombardi~

  4. #373
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    A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
    He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
    His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
    His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
    His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

    He sits down in the only vacant seat,
    directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
    Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
    "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

    Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
    "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
    and made love with a parrot.
    I thought maybe you were my son."

    Resident Celebrity

  5. #374
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    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

    "Of course," replies the second man.

    I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

    "Dublin," comes the reply.

    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

    "Of course," replies the second man.

    Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

    "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

    "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

    Resident Celebrity

  6. #375
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    Last one...


    A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

    The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

    Resident Celebrity

  7. #376
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    Quote Originally Posted by stricken721 View Post
    Last one...


    A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

    The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

  8. #377
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    Quote Originally Posted by stricken721 View Post
    A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
    He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
    His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
    His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
    His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

    He sits down in the only vacant seat,
    directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
    Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
    "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

    Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
    "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
    and made love with a parrot.
    I thought maybe you were my son."

  9. #378
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    Warning, Warning! E-mail alert.







    If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi"....

    for God's sake, don't open it.

    It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

  10. #379
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    A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

    A Navajo on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

    She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye - e - e - e - h - a - a - a - a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
    When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye - e - e - e - h - a - a - a - a!' and rode off.
    'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service - station attendant.
    'Nothing,' the woman answered.
    'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
    'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'

  11. #380
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    Four friends

    Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway
    trip--shopping, casinos, massages and facials.

    Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
    and tells her she isn't going. Mary's friends are very upset that she can't
    go, but can't do anything about it.

    Two days later the three get to the hotel, only to find Mary sitting in the
    bar and drinking a glass of wine. They ask her, "Wow, how long you
    been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since last night," Mary said. "Yesterday evening, I was
    sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
    over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?'

    "I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
    He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
    perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the
    bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
    bed, so I did. And then he said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.'

    "So here I am."

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