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Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


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    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #411
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    A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

    The woman freed the frog and he said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

    The woman said, "That would be okay."

    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

    The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

    So, KAZAM! She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. "

    The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

    So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world!

    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


  3. #412
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    Politically-Correct Christmas Holiday Parties

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Christmas Party
    DATE: December 1

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family.
    Patty


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    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 2

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.
    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 3

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.

    NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 7

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?
    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 8

    So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

    Patty


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    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 9

    People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan" there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

    Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
    RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
    DATE: December 10

    I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

    Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

    I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

    The itch from HLL!!!!!!!!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 14
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    trust but verify
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  4. #413
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    Quote Originally Posted by matthewschiefs View Post
    I think Chiefster should be the one they use as a test subject

    I mean that chiefster is one nice guy
    I got no problem with that; I never carry with me any explosives.


  5. #414
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    Things are getting kinda funny in this thread!
    Great jokes!

  6. #415
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    IRISH TRADITION...


    Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

    'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****."

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    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    IRISH TRADITION...


    Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

    'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****."
    FUNNY!



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    The only reason a beer sweats around Canada is because he's decided it will be the next beer he drinks.

  9. #418
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    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    IRISH TRADITION...


    Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

    'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip ****."

  10. #419
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    *WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*
















    A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.







    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.






    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .










































































































    No ....wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.






    That's what beer does... Never mind.



  11. #420
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    BOB'S FUNERAL.

    Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

    His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

    'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

    I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
    'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
    Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
    Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

    Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it ..
    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

    The cabby turns around and says,
    'Geez Bob, you picked up a real Bit*h this time.'

    BOB'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
    THIS COMING FRIDAY.
    trust but verify
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