Page 45 of 68 FirstFirst ... 3541424344454647484955 ... LastLast
Results 441 to 450 of 672

Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Member Since
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    2,871
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 104
    Given: 3

    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


    0 Not allowed!
    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #441
    Member Since
    Sep 2008
    Location
    kansas city
    Posts
    2,037
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 83
    Given: 46

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    I am taking a snow day today, am taking the antidote to work. Would somebody come scoop my sidewalks and drive, please bring me Bothesome Employer Elimation Rebooter to, and plenty of!
    I gave the remedies to my wife yesterday. called her boss and said no way
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  3. #442
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,373
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 56
    Given: 59

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    It all started innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- you know, just to loosen up and be part of the crowd.

    Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

    I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me; finally I was thinking all the time - and not so relaxed for fear of being caught.

    Things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and tried to talk with my wife about the meaning of life. She went to her mother's.

    Eventually I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but just couldn't help myself.

    I began avoiding friends at lunchtime - to read Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzy and confused - asking things like: "What exactly are we doing here?"

    Soon the boss called me in and said: "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another one."

    That gave me pause. I came home early after our conversation and said to my wife: "Honey," I've been thinking..."

    She said: "I know that, and I want a divorce!"

    I replied: "But Honey, surely it's not that serious?" "Yes it is," she said, lower lip quivering.

    She added: "College professors and faculty and philosophers don't earn much of a salary, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

    I answered quickly: "That's an extremely faulty syllogism".

    She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

    I snarled at her: "I'm going to the library!" - and stomped out the door.

    I roared into the library parking lot with NPR on the radio and John Locke on my mind. I hit those big glass doors on a dead run - totally ready for some relaxing mental engagement with Thoreau or Russell.

    But they wouldn't budge - the library was closed !!

    I now believe that my Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

    Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

    You probably recognize that line - from the Thinkers Anonymous book?

    I called the 800 number - and today I'm a recovering thinker.

    I never miss a TA meeting. They always start with the Serenity Prayer, followed by a non-educational video (last week it was "Porky's)." Then we share about how we've avoided thinking since the last meeting.

    I still have my job, and things are much better at home. Life just seems easier since I stopped thinking. I believe that the road to recovery is wide open and, in fact, nearly complete for me.

    So, today I took one final step.........I joined the Democratic Party.....
    .



  4. #443
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,373
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 56
    Given: 59

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    THE TRAFFIC CAMERA


    I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew I was not speeding. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

    Now I began to think this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the camera again flashed. I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled by at a snail's pace.

    Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for $124 each for driving without a seatbelt.

    You can't fix stupid.

    Funny, but then again, scary.

  5. #444
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,373
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 56
    Given: 59

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

    "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us, You."

  6. #445
    Member Since
    Sep 2008
    Location
    kansas city
    Posts
    2,037
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 83
    Given: 46

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    It all started innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- you know, just to loosen up and be part of the crowd.

    Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

    I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me; finally I was thinking all the time - and not so relaxed for fear of being caught.

    Things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and tried to talk with my wife about the meaning of life. She went to her mother's.

    Eventually I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but just couldn't help myself.

    I began avoiding friends at lunchtime - to read Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzy and confused - asking things like: "What exactly are we doing here?"

    Soon the boss called me in and said: "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another one."

    That gave me pause. I came home early after our conversation and said to my wife: "Honey," I've been thinking..."

    She said: "I know that, and I want a divorce!"

    I replied: "But Honey, surely it's not that serious?" "Yes it is," she said, lower lip quivering.

    She added: "College professors and faculty and philosophers don't earn much of a salary, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

    I answered quickly: "That's an extremely faulty syllogism".

    She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

    I snarled at her: "I'm going to the library!" - and stomped out the door.

    I roared into the library parking lot with NPR on the radio and John Locke on my mind. I hit those big glass doors on a dead run - totally ready for some relaxing mental engagement with Thoreau or Russell.

    But they wouldn't budge - the library was closed !!

    I now believe that my Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

    Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

    You probably recognize that line - from the Thinkers Anonymous book?

    I called the 800 number - and today I'm a recovering thinker.

    I never miss a TA meeting. They always start with the Serenity Prayer, followed by a non-educational video (last week it was "Porky's)." Then we share about how we've avoided thinking since the last meeting.

    I still have my job, and things are much better at home. Life just seems easier since I stopped thinking. I believe that the road to recovery is wide open and, in fact, nearly complete for me.

    So, today I took one final step.........I joined the Democratic Party.....
    .


    well....think again

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g0arsq0DvE"]YouTube - PELOSI GIVES UP THE GAVEL- HYSTERICAL[/ame]
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  7. #446
    Member Since
    Sep 2008
    Location
    kansas city
    Posts
    2,037
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 83
    Given: 46

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

    'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

    'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

    'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

    'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

    'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

    'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

    'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

    She whispers in his ear

    'That's me before the surgery.' ...
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  8. #447
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,373
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 56
    Given: 59

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by kcvet View Post
    After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

    'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

    'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

    'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

    'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

    'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

    'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

    'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

    She whispers in his ear

    'That's me before the surgery.' ...
    Nice one.

  9. #448
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,373
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 56
    Given: 59

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    You who worry about Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:















    In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.







    It was pretty simple; the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.







    The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor until she wrapped up her argument by stating, What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"






    Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.

  10. #449
    Member Since
    Sep 2008
    Location
    kansas city
    Posts
    2,037
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 83
    Given: 46

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    You who worry about Democrats versus Republicans - relax, here is our real problem:















    In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.







    It was pretty simple; the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.







    The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor until she wrapped up her argument by stating, What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"






    Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  11. #450
    Member Since
    Sep 2008
    Location
    kansas city
    Posts
    2,037
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 83
    Given: 46

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANLgQG-VKyc"]YouTube - STUPIDITY AWARD FINALISTS[/ame]
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •