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Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


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    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

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    Steelers in heaven

    Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.

    They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
    Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

    On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with BLACK & GOLD sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous STEELERS logo flag, and in every window, a TERRIBLE towel. Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even won a few Super Bowls."

    God said "So what's your point, Tom?"
    Tom replied, "Well, why does Roethlisberger get a better house than me?"

    God chuckled, and said: "Tom, that's not
    Roethlisberger's house.......
    It's Mine."
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  3. #452
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    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife Penny.

    Last time I was home from Mexico. I saw something at Doc’s Gun Barn that sparked my Interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra For Penny. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, Allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded Two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Penny what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave is from...

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, Our cat Emily looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood Moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Emily (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to Penny to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

    The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Emily looking on with her head ****ed to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lamp, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
    * My bent reading glasses were on the lamp.
    * The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    * My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    * My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    * I had no control over the drooling.
    * Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    * I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS: Penny can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

  4. #453
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    Quote Originally Posted by kcvet View Post
    They breed; and they walk among us! And, unfortunately, they vote.

    OUCH!!!


  5. #454
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    When Love Fades...


    Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

    "What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or fish?"

    I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

    She replied "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the cat."

  6. #455
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    HELL EXPLAINED BY






    CHEMISTRY STUDENT





    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.












    The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.





    One student, however, wrote the following:















    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.





    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.



    This gives two possibilities:




    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.





    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.





    So which is it?





    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."





    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    Lemon Squeeze
    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

    Looks of Disappointment
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

    Catholic Dog
    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    Donation
    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'

    Confession
    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

    Brothel Trip
    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

    Senility
    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

    Pest Control
    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

    'Who are you?' he asked him..

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little *******s!'..






    Marriage Humor

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'

    Husband: Nothing.

    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife: 'Yes or no.'

    ----------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

    ------------------------------
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

    ----------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'














    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
    Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

    Let us pray.....................
    Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humour out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk



















    --
    Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
    Anonymous

  8. #457
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    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    Lemon Squeeze
    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

    Looks of Disappointment
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

    Catholic Dog
    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    Donation
    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'

    Confession
    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'

    Brothel Trip
    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

    Senility
    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

    Pest Control
    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

    'Who are you?' he asked him..

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little *******s!'..






    Marriage Humor

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'

    Husband: Nothing.

    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife: 'Yes or no.'

    ----------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

    ------------------------------
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

    ----------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
















    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
    Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

    Let us pray.....................
    Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humour out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk



















    --
    Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
    Anonymous
    Awesome!

  9. #458
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    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

    "Interesting," the newsman thought.


    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.


    After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.


    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


    She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


    (Oh, just hush-up and send this one on).





  10. #459
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    A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
    "I'm a prostitute," she says.
    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
    "No, that still won't work. Try again."
    They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
    The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
    "Chicken farmer it is."

  11. #460
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    A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

    "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
    document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

    "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

    "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
    inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

    Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

    Thank you






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