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Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


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    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #471
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    Default They sent my Census form back!


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    In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependents?'

    I put......'Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable b****rds, the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 80,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in Texas, half of freaking Mexico, Some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a sorry *** President!'

    Apparently this wasn't an acceptable answer.


  3. #472
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    Doesn't matter where your politics take you, this is creative....
    John's Chicken Farm
    John was in the egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
    John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
    To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
    John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
    The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
    Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
    Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible.
    I am going to follow the researcher, John the Chicken farmer.

  4. #473
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    Skinny Dipping

    An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.

    He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

    He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

    As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

    Holding the bucket up he said,


    'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

    Some old men can still think fast.
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  5. #474
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    IT'S SO HOT IN SOUTH DAKOTA ...

    ..the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

    ..the trees are whistling for the dogs.

    ..the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

    ..hot water comes from both taps.

    ..you can make sun tea instantly.

    ..you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

    ..the temperature drops Below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.

    ..you discover that in August it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

    ..you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

    ..you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

    ..you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.

    ..your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on
    the pavement and cook to death?

    ..you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.

    ..the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.

    ..the cows are giving evaporated milk.

    ..farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

    AND..................IT'S SO DRY and RAINLESS IN SOUTH DAKOTA ....

    ..that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling.

    ..the Methodists are using wet-wipes.

    ..the Presbyterians are giving rain checks.

    ..and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
    Last edited by tornadospotter; 07-25-2011 at 12:42 AM.

  6. #475
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    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
    yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

    One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

    You have been with me all through the bad times.

    When I got fired, you were there to support me.

    When my business failed, you were there.

    When I got shot, you were by my side.

    When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

    When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

    You know what Martha?'

    'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

    'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck


  7. #476
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    Quote Originally Posted by AkChief49 View Post
    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
    yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

    One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

    You have been with me all through the bad times.

    When I got fired, you were there to support me.

    When my business failed, you were there.

    When I got shot, you were by my side.

    When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

    When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

    You know what Martha?'

    'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

    'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck


  8. #477
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    BREAKING NEWS: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.


  9. #478
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    update:

    @TPCarney: Krugman says it wasn't big enough.

    @comradescott: Evidently the quake occurred on a little known fault line outside of DC called "Bush's Fault".

    @calebhowe: Breaking: Obama administration points out they "inherited" fault lines from previous administrations.

    @MaizeBlueNation: Fox News claims the Washington monument is leaning to the right, MSNBC claims it's leaning to the left. More news at 11.

    @charliespiering: I won't stop shaking until Obama makes a speech telling me that everything is ok and that he has a plan

    @Ben_Howe: As all of DC leaves work at the same time, the United States experiences a brief economic recovery.
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  10. #479
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    Quote Originally Posted by kcvet View Post
    update:

    @TPCarney: Krugman says it wasn't big enough.

    @comradescott: Evidently the quake occurred on a little known fault line outside of DC called "Bush's Fault".

    @calebhowe: Breaking: Obama administration points out they "inherited" fault lines from previous administrations.

    @MaizeBlueNation: Fox News claims the Washington monument is leaning to the right, MSNBC claims it's leaning to the left. More news at 11.

    @charliespiering: I won't stop shaking until Obama makes a speech telling me that everything is ok and that he has a plan

    @Ben_Howe: As all of DC leaves work at the same time, the United States experiences a brief economic recovery.


  11. #480
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    20 Stunning Photos Of The Damage Caused By The East Coast Earthquake



    more here
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

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