There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.
There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman
rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent Just as I was
thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his
mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the
stroller too.".
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As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter,
Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before,
she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was
doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of
those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
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Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter,
Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to
be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with
me like you do now.
Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all
those things anyway."
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Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
"No, no, no!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior."
With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No,
thank you!
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On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course
and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole.
"Who's winning?" I shouted.
"I am," said one kid.
"Me," said another.
"No, me," yelled the third.
Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, "Their mother
is."
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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my
son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies,
but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke
up in disgust.
"You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't
know the answer."
----------------------
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son
down and broke the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time,"
I told him. "I'm going to Iraq .."
"Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over
there?"
-----------------------
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children
stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his
wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A
counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know
that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made
this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing
bottle?" Blank stares. "Well, you've probably seen his face on his
lemonade carton."
An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"
-----------------------
Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was
constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might
like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice
cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. "Hey, Jermon," I called
out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen.
"Look! I found some chili."
Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm
not really sure I want it."
-------------------
My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece
learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble.
"You can spell Sczygelski any way you like," he pointed out.
"Who's going to know if it's wrong?
--- While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.
'Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle."
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb *** put him up there in the first place.
Not me.
Last edited by tornadospotter; 09-02-2008 at 04:00 AM.
Okay this couple was driving on I-40 from Flagstaff, AZ on their way to Vegas to elope. They were really excited to be getting married, but tragically they were involved in a head-on collision and died. When they arrived at the pearly gates, they were quickly admitted however they had one question for St Peter...they wanted to know if there was any way they could get married up in heaven. St Peter said, well in all my years up here, I've never seen a wedding, but why don't you guys head over to that line over yonder and you can ask the "Big guy". So they wait in line and a couple months later they get to the front. They ask God if they can get married.
God says, "Are you sure?"
They both instantly reply, "Yes"
So God ponders the situation for a few minutes and says, "I'll make you a deal...you go and enjoy heaven for 10 years, you have all of eternity...if at the end of 10 years you still want to marry, then we'll work it out"
So 10 years later, they gain another audience with God and tell Him they still want to get married...so God says, "Then it will be so"
There was a huge celebration in heaven, and the joyous couple finally got their wish. However it wasn't 6 months later when they realized, in heaven there is no "until death do us part"...and they weren't so happy about being married.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo....they gain yet another audience with God and tell him where things are at, and say, "is there any way we can get a divorce?"
God looks at them, and just laughs..."Guys it took me 10 years to get a preacher up here, any idea on how long it'll take to get a lawyer?"
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The 49ers own my heart, but the Chiefs will always hold a better than neutral spot for giving my favorite player a place to leave with grace...
Resident Comedian/Statistician/Researcher/Diplomat
Last edited by tornadospotter; 09-17-2008 at 01:18 PM.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on
her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have
as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type
apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be
designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull****tin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . .. You started it.'
One Smart Redneck!
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
A farmer from the wheat fields of Kansas dies and goes to hell.
Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the
rest there are. He checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity.
So he goes to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer replies,
"I like it here. It's just like plowing my fields in June."
Unhappy with the farmer's response, the devil goes back to his controls
and turns the temperature up to 105 degrees and 90% humidity. After
making the adjustment, the devil goes looking for the farmer.
Finding him just as happy as can be, the Devil frustratingly asks the
farmer again why he's so happy. "This is even better now! It's like pulling weeds in the fields during July!" says the farmer.
The Devil, now quite upset and deciding to make the farmer really
suffer, returns to his controls and cranks the! heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%.
"Now we'll see if that farmer is smiling!" he thinks as he goes looking
for the farmer again. Finding him sitting on the floor happy as ever,
the Devil is madder than before. When he asks the farmer why he's happy
now, the farmer answers, "This is great, it's just like driving the
combine in August!"
That was enough for the Devil. Running back to his controls, he turns
the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero. Within a
matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over.
"Let's see what that farmer has to say about this," snickers the Devil
to himself. To his surprise, the Devil returns to find the farmer
running around and jumping for joy, yelling at the top of his lungs:
"The Chiefs won the Super Bowl! I can't believe it! The Chiefs won the Super Bowl!"
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