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Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


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    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

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    I think I would have found a way to get out of the clamps; my wife tells me that it aint no easy squeez.


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  4. #153
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vandelay View Post


    That's a man with a comfortable couch and a good health care plan.


  5. #154
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    Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
    Male Procedure:

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.
    Female Procedure:

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    4. Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
    6. Re-insert card the right way.
    7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    8. Enter PIN.
    9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    10. Enter amount of cash required.
    11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
    12. Retrieve cash and receipt
    13. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
    15. Re-check makeup.
    16. Drive forward 2 feet.
    17. Reverse back to cash machine.
    18. Retrieve card.
    19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
    21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    22. Redial person on cell phone.
    23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    24. Release Parking Brake.
    I had to laugh at this! Last week, I stopped at my bank to deposit my paycheck and I was so flustered! I had picked the lane that had the ATM but also the window that has the tube sucked up and delivered. So a guy was behind me that I could tell was waiting for the ATM - I was trying to hurry and when I made my next stop at the grocery store, I looked in the passenger seat and there was the tube from the bank! So embarrassing!

  6. #155
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    You're a good sport tammie, funny stuff!


  7. #156
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    Quote Originally Posted by tammietailgator View Post
    Drive Through ATM: Male / Female Procedures

    A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
    Male Procedure:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.
    Female Procedure:
    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    4. Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    5. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card.
    6. Re-insert card the right way.
    7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    8. Enter PIN.
    9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    10. Enter amount of cash required.
    11. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
    12. Retrieve cash and receipt
    13. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    14. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
    15. Re-check makeup.
    16. Drive forward 2 feet.
    17. Reverse back to cash machine.
    18. Retrieve card.
    19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
    20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
    21. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    22. Redial person on cell phone.
    23. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    24. Release Parking Brake.
    I had to laugh at this! Last week, I stopped at my bank to deposit my paycheck and I was so flustered! I had picked the lane that had the ATM but also the window that has the tube sucked up and delivered. So a guy was behind me that I could tell was waiting for the ATM - I was trying to hurry and when I made my next stop at the grocery store, I looked in the passenger seat and there was the tube from the bank! So embarrassing!
    Jeez that is funny!

  8. #157
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    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

    Mick, the bartender, said 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy.'

    Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.' Paddy spun around on his stool and steps off. He fell flat on his face. 'Damn' he said,
    pulled himself up by the stool, and dusted himself off. He took a step towards the door and fell flat on his face. 'Damn, damn!'

    He looked to the doorway and thought to himself that if he could just get to the door and some fresh air he would be fine. He belly crawled to the door and shimmied up the door frame. He stuck his head outside and took a deep breath of fresh air, felt much better, and took a step out onto the sidewalk, where he fell flat on his face.

    'By jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he said. He could see his house just a few doors down, so he crawled to the door, hauled himself up the door frame, opened the door, and shimmied inside. He took a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up
    the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.

    He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and fell into bed.

    The next morning his wife, Jess, came into the room carrying a cup of coffee and said, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

    Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

    'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub again.'

  9. #158
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    Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.


  10. #159
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    Here's a short one:

    Two baby seals walk into a club...

  11. #160
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    Physics exam

    The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:

    "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."

    One student replied:

    "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground.

    The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

    This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed.

    The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

    The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

    To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.

    For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.

    The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

    On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

    "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground.

    The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

    "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow.

    Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

    "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper.

    The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."

    "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

    "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

    "But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

    The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.


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