There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when
you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of
latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies!
Be very afraid!
They have been there and done that!
Subject: Fw: Football and the Blonde
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us. In the USA we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls. We made him President of the United States, and now the whole country is looking for work!"
I exercise regularly.
I eat moderate amounts of healthy food.
I make sure to get plenty of rest.
I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year.
I floss every night.
I've had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG's and colonoscopies.
I've seen a psychologist once, and she thought I was A-OK.
A variety of hobbies to reduce stress.
I don't drink and drive.
I quit smoking a long time ago.
I don't do drugs.
I try not to disparage others.
I don't have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.
If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed.
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see
if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to
the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals
and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that
get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued,
"Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET !!!
A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE,
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE,
FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS,
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE,
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU
PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT
AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION !!!
PLEASE KEEP !!! THIS GOING......FORWARD TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY
IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP AMERICA !!!!!!!!!!!!
What a joke we have become?
Last edited by tornadospotter; 04-06-2011 at 10:51 PM.
The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman, aUniversity of Nebraska
graduate, as President of the United States, Susan Cornhusker.
A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So,Dad, I assume you
will be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a 30 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is
acting up again.'
'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take youhome. And a limousine
will pick you up at your door.'
'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'
Oh Dad, replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in
New York .'
'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best
caterer in New York, I’ll ensure your meals are salt free Dad, I really want you to come.'
So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20,2017, Susan Cornhusker is being sworn In as
President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him
Leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming
President of the United States.’
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Nebraska.
Kinda makes me re-think my summer activities....
God said: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.. It's a natural cycle of life.
You better sit down, Lord. T he Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
And where do they get this mulch?
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis....
Got this just in time, I was going to mow and then kill little yellow flowers. Instead I will just