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Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


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    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #491
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    While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

    Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle.'

    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

    The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'

    The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

    "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with."


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    Puns for Educated Minds

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

    The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26. Although she only a stableman's daughter, all the horse menure.

    27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

  4. #493
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    Quote Originally Posted by kcvet View Post
    Puns for Educated Minds

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

    The police are looking into it.

    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17. A backward poet writes inverse.

    18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26. Although she only a stableman's daughter, all the horse menure.

    27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

  5. #494
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    Two Lawyers



    Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.







    Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.....................








    One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."









    The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."









    But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much a ring or earrings on her person.









    The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time..... So ... Do you think we should ....well ..... You know ...... Screw her?"



    " Out of what ???" asked the other lawyer.

  6. #495
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    This not really a joke, but a good answer.

    Major General Peter Cosgrove is an ' Australian treasure! '

    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

    Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

    Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

    This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

    It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

    The radiocast
    went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.



  7. #496
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    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.


    The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. "

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

    Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

    "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."

    "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

    "It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."

  8. #497
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    Thanks Carson!!
    The only reason a beer sweats around Canada is because he's decided it will be the next beer he drinks.

  9. #498
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    Thanks Kyle!!
    The only reason a beer sweats around Canada is because he's decided it will be the next beer he drinks.

  10. #499
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    Quote Originally Posted by Canada View Post
    Thanks Carson!!
    Quote Originally Posted by Canada View Post
    Thanks Kyle!!
    It's funny 'cos it's true

  11. #500
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    The next time you're bored and have nothing better to do, go to a pubic place, get out your cell phone, don't turn it on, but speak into it like the guy in this video.

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlmidKhP5vI"]Video of a Prank by CMT - YouTube[/ame]
    trust but verify
    http://www.chiefscrowd.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1540&dateline=1380047  325]

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