Page 6 of 68 FirstFirst ... 23456789101656 ... LastLast
Results 51 to 60 of 672

Thread: The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Member Since
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Kansas City
    Posts
    3,000
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 120
    Given: 4

    Default The Chiefs Crowd Official Joke Thread


    0 Not allowed!
    There is a chiefs picture forum. Why not a Joke Forum? It is always a pain trying to weed out all of the jokes in a single thread specially when there are thread whores who swurve the thread.

  2. #51
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,411
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 65

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman
    rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the
    receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent Just as I was
    thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his
    mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the
    man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the
    stroller too.".

    -----------------------------

    As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter,
    Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before,
    she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was
    doing.

    After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of
    those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."

    -----------------------------------

    Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter,
    Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to
    be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with
    me like you do now.

    Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all
    those things anyway."

    ----------------------------------

    Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of
    giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining
    room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

    "No, no, no!" she screamed.

    "Lizzie," scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior."

    With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No,
    thank you!

    ---------------------------

    On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course
    and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole.

    "Who's winning?" I shouted.

    "I am," said one kid.

    "Me," said another.

    "No, me," yelled the third.

    Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, "Their mother
    is."

    ------------------------------

    On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my
    son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies,
    but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.

    After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke
    up in disgust.

    "You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't
    know the answer."

    ----------------------

    Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son
    down and broke the news to him. "I'm going to be away for a long time,"
    I told him. "I'm going to Iraq .."

    "Why?" he asked. "Don't you know there's a war going on over
    there?"

    -----------------------

    Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children
    stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his
    wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A
    counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know
    that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made
    this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing
    bottle?" Blank stares. "Well, you've probably seen his face on his
    lemonade carton."

    An eight-year-old girl perked up. "How long was he missing?"

    -----------------------

    Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was
    constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might
    like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice
    cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. "Hey, Jermon," I called
    out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen.

    "Look! I found some chili."

    Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm
    not really sure I want it."

    -------------------

    My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece
    learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble.

    "You can spell Sczygelski any way you like," he pointed out.
    "Who's going to know if it's wrong?

  3. #52
    Member Since
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Waxahachie, TX via Broken Arrow, OK via McLouth, KS
    Posts
    756
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 0
    Given: 0

    Post


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

    After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

    "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

    "But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware." "How did you manage?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

    "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

    "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

    Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

    "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."


    She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean---," he swallows excitedly, "We can watch KANSAS CITY CHIEFS football from here?"


  4. #53
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,411
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 65

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    --- While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

    Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.

    'Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

    The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle."

    The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb *** put him up there in the first place.
    Not me.
    Last edited by tornadospotter; 09-02-2008 at 04:00 AM.

  5. #54
    Member Since
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Waxahachie, TX via Broken Arrow, OK via McLouth, KS
    Posts
    756
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 0
    Given: 0

    Post


    0 Not allowed!

  6. #55
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    4,841
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 5
    Given: 0

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Okay this couple was driving on I-40 from Flagstaff, AZ on their way to Vegas to elope. They were really excited to be getting married, but tragically they were involved in a head-on collision and died. When they arrived at the pearly gates, they were quickly admitted however they had one question for St Peter...they wanted to know if there was any way they could get married up in heaven. St Peter said, well in all my years up here, I've never seen a wedding, but why don't you guys head over to that line over yonder and you can ask the "Big guy". So they wait in line and a couple months later they get to the front. They ask God if they can get married.

    God says, "Are you sure?"
    They both instantly reply, "Yes"
    So God ponders the situation for a few minutes and says, "I'll make you a deal...you go and enjoy heaven for 10 years, you have all of eternity...if at the end of 10 years you still want to marry, then we'll work it out"

    So 10 years later, they gain another audience with God and tell Him they still want to get married...so God says, "Then it will be so"

    There was a huge celebration in heaven, and the joyous couple finally got their wish. However it wasn't 6 months later when they realized, in heaven there is no "until death do us part"...and they weren't so happy about being married.

    Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo....they gain yet another audience with God and tell him where things are at, and say, "is there any way we can get a divorce?"

    God looks at them, and just laughs..."Guys it took me 10 years to get a preacher up here, any idea on how long it'll take to get a lawyer?"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    The 49ers own my heart, but the Chiefs will always hold a better than neutral spot for giving my favorite player a place to leave with grace...

    Resident Comedian/Statistician/Researcher/Diplomat

  7. #56
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,411
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 65

    Default Why the new Dairy Queen worker got fired!


    0 Not allowed!
    Last edited by tornadospotter; 09-17-2008 at 01:18 PM.

  8. #57
    Member Since
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    7,411
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 63
    Given: 65

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
    He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
    drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

    The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just
    got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
    bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
    Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
    hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on
    her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have
    as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
    her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type
    apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be
    designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull****tin' me!

    The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . .. You started it.'


  9. #58
    Member Since
    Feb 2007
    Location
    ALASKA
    Posts
    3,074
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 19
    Given: 22

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    Quote Originally Posted by tornadospotter View Post
    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
    He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE
    drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

    The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just
    got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
    bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008
    Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long
    hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on
    her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have
    as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in
    her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type
    apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be
    designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull****tin' me!

    The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . .. You started it.'

    that's just plain funny right there!!


  10. #59
    Member Since
    Feb 2007
    Location
    ALASKA
    Posts
    3,074
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 19
    Given: 22

    Default


    0 Not allowed!
    One Smart Redneck!
    "Hello, is this the FBI?"

    "Yes. What do you want?"

    "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

    "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

    The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

    "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

    "Yeah!"

    "Did they chop your firewood?"

    "Yep."

    "Merry Christmas Buddy"


  11. #60
    Member Since
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Kansas
    Posts
    1,150
    Thumbs Up
    Received: 0
    Given: 0

    Talking A Kansas farmer goes to hell


    0 Not allowed!
    A farmer from the wheat fields of Kansas dies and goes to hell.
    Once there, the Devil notices that this farmer is not suffering like the
    rest there are. He checks his gauges and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity.

    So he goes to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer replies,
    "I like it here. It's just like plowing my fields in June."

    Unhappy with the farmer's response, the devil goes back to his controls
    and turns the temperature up to 105 degrees and 90% humidity. After
    making the adjustment, the devil goes looking for the farmer.

    Finding him just as happy as can be, the Devil frustratingly asks the
    farmer again why he's so happy. "This is even better now! It's like pulling weeds in the fields during July!" says the farmer.

    The Devil, now quite upset and deciding to make the farmer really
    suffer, returns to his controls and cranks the! heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%.

    "Now we'll see if that farmer is smiling!" he thinks as he goes looking
    for the farmer again. Finding him sitting on the floor happy as ever,
    the Devil is madder than before. When he asks the farmer why he's happy
    now, the farmer answers, "This is great, it's just like driving the
    combine in August!"

    That was enough for the Devil. Running back to his controls, he turns
    the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero. Within a
    matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over.

    "Let's see what that farmer has to say about this," snickers the Devil
    to himself. To his surprise, the Devil returns to find the farmer
    running around and jumping for joy, yelling at the top of his lungs:

    "The Chiefs won the Super Bowl! I can't believe it! The Chiefs won the Super Bowl!"

Page 6 of 68 FirstFirst ... 23456789101656 ... LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •