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Thread: Message From Hm The Queen

  1. #1
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    Default Message From Hm The Queen


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    A message from the Queen:




    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

    In light of your failure in recent years to manage your economy, or to nominate competent candidates for President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    ** Important, please read thoroughly! **

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.



    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

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    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

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    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

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    4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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    5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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    6. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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    7. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut.

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    8. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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    9. You will cease the playing the hybrid game you call football. There is only one proper kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Be warned, however, that if you try Rugby, the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, as they regularly thrash us.

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    10. Further, you will stop calling the event at the end of your baseball season the World Series, since so few civilized countries play the game. Since less than half of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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    11. In time, MI 5 will tell you who killed JFK.

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    12. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers, not mugs, with high quality biscuits and cakes; plus strawberries in season, with cream.



    God Save the Queen!

  2. #2
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    I am this guys favorite Chiefs player!!
    The only reason a beer sweats around Canada is because he's decided it will be the next beer he drinks.

  3. #3
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    Soccer??? Rugby??? Cricket??? No way.

    Like, my neighbor, who is like a lawyer you know, told me his therapist like, likes the color and flavor of American english while we were hunting with our guns, you know.

    I no longer want to see Liam Neeson and Pierce Brosnan playing American cowboys. Think of doing something awful to yourself with a vegetable peeler and it would be comparable to Seraphim Falls.
    Thanks for all the yards, TDs, and memories, Priest!

  4. #4
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    Ever since the Revolutionary War, I haven't been in love with anything british. (well, except for Pink Floyd).
    SHUT IT

  5. #5
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    Well, like, you know, I really dont care since I live in Kansas.

    I am hereby anouncing that im running for the presidency of The United State of Kansas!

    As for Football? Its Football! Soccer is Soccer....and as for Rugby? Ive only watched a few games but I cant get into a game where a bunch of big men get into a big huddle with arms around eachother to go after someones ball! Not saying they arent tough men but, I think they are just taking about eachothers feelings as they do it!

    As you read the forums, if you did, we dont believe in tea and biscuits or even crumpets (yes I have a friend in England) And at 4pm? Thats beer thirty no matter where you live!

    Love the post it was funny!

    SPAMMER

    Dont make us have to kick your English arse again!

  6. #6
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    why picking on kansas? I love my state!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bike View Post
    Ever since the Revolutionary War, I haven't been in love with anything british. (well, except for Pink Floyd).
    Nothing???
    \






    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    The 49ers own my heart, but the Chiefs will always hold a better than neutral spot for giving my favorite player a place to leave with grace...

    Resident Comedian/Statistician/Researcher/Diplomat

  8. #8
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    Are you running against me Tammi?

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by jtandcrew View Post
    Are you running against me Tammi?

    Yep! And I am gonna get all Mavericky!

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by tammietailgator View Post
    Yep! And I am gonna get all Mavericky!
    I thought I was going to get all mavericky! I guess it will be a good race!

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