LOL!!!! Nice one!
Two guys walked into a bar; the third one ducked.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all that they have.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while They
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
The deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly Jumped
in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her mentally stable.
She went to tell Edna the news: "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
Rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgment
and that you have a sound mind.
The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the Bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How Soon
can I go home?"
Feel free to add your own jokes as we go along...
A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!" The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!" "Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute." Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you!" the husband asks. "I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."
The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!" The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, "Those little *******s!"
A baby seal walked into a club....
A rich lady sitting at her upstairs bedroom mirror brushing her hair before she goes to bed notices the upstairs butler walking by her door and she calls to him. Being the obedient house servant that he is he enters the room to see what the lady of the house requires. She looked deep into his eyes and said: "I want you to take off my night gown!" Being the good servant that he is the butler did as he was told. Then she said: "Now, take off my bra", and the butler did as instructed. Then she said seductively: "Now, take off my panties", and so the butler did, again, as instructed. Then she said: "I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU WEAR THOSE THINGS AGAIN!!!!"
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The bartender says to the man "You cna't bring a monkey into the bar with you!" The man replies "Don't worry, he is very well behaved and I am only staying for a quick beer and then I have to leave."
"OK" says the bartender, just make sure he behaves himself.
The bartender gives the man a beer and then watches as the monkey jumps up onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball. "That's it!" says the bartender. You two have to leave.
The man apologizes and tell the bartender that he will go home and wait until the monkey passes the cue ball, cleam it up and bring it back.
Two days later the man returns to the bar with the monkey and gives back the cue ball. He hands the bartender a $50 bill to cover the loss of income from the pool table. The bartender thanks him and offers him a beer.
While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey hops up on the bar and starts sticking peanuts up his bum then pulling them out and eating them.
"That is disgusting" says the bartender. "What the hell is he doing?"
Well...says the man. After the cue ball incident he measures everything before he eats it!!
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.