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Thread: Joke Thread Part 1

  1. #1
    Sweets Guest

    Default Joke Thread Part 1

    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
    mean they don't love you with all that they have.

    Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while They
    were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
    The deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly Jumped
    in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
    immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
    considered her mentally stable.

    She went to tell Edna the news: "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
    The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
    Rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
    another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound judgment
    and that you have a sound mind.

    The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the Bathroom
    with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but
    he's dead."

    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How Soon
    can I go home?"



    Feel free to add your own jokes as we go along...

  2. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweets View Post
    There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

    The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

    Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

    Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

    The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

    Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
    LOL!!!! Nice!

    Why did the blond climb the chain link fence?






    She wanted to see what was on the other side.

  3. #12
    Sweets Guest

    Default

    Milk Bath

    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

  4. #13
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    A blond decides to swim acrossed the atlantic ocean. Half way accrossed she gets tired and decides to swim back.



    Did you hear what happened to the blond who locked her keys her car?





    It took her five hours to get her family out of the car.

  5. #14
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    A blond standing on the bank of a river fishing sees her blond friend standing on the opposite side fishing as well, and wanting to go a crossed the river to spend time fishing with her friend yells a crossed to her: "HOW DO I GET ON THE OTHER SIDE!" Her friend answers back: "SILLY; YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

  6. #15
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    Once, in a small house, in the Smokey Mountains, a young boy, named Vern was celebrating his thirteenth birthday. His "Paw" has a surprise for Verns birthday. "K, now, Vern, today yer thirteen. Its 'bout time you lernt 'bout sex."

    "Sex???" asked Vern. "Wut's that???"

    "Well, Vern," started Paw, ""stedda jes tellin' ya, I'm uh gonna show ye."

    Paw, then proceeded to call "Maw" upstairs, to show Vern some sex.

    "Maw!!!!" Shouted PAw, " Git yer butt up here and git necked. I'm gonna teech Vern 'bout sex."

    Maw does as she's told. "Now, git them cloze off and git up on that bed."

    Again, Maw obeys. "K., now son..... You see that hole on maw? Well, you just wach ole Paw." Paw told vern, just before climbing aboard Maw.

    Paw is giving his best to Maw, when Verns little sister Eloise happens along.

    "Vern????" Asks Eloise, "Whut's Paw dooin' ta Maw, ther?"

    Vern replied, " I dunnno. It's cawld sex."

    Eloise, still clueless, asked " Sex? Whut's that??"

    With a smile, Vern states " Well, Eloise, " 'stedda just tellin' ya, I'm uh gonna show ye."

    Vern took his pants down and said to Eloise " Now, You see that hole on Paw? Well, you jes wach ole Vern, here."

  7. #16
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    An traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.
    Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
    The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
    The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
    The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
    "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
    The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.
    Three hours later he returned.
    The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
    "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
    THAT quarterback is NOT a Pro Bowl quarterback. Never was and never will be.

  8. #17
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    LOL I could see that commin a mile away, but it was still funny!

  9. #18
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    Another personal favorite.....

    THE WORKING U.S.

    For a couple years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
    much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I am tired
    because I am overworked.

    The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
    leaves 133 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
    work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
    leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
    which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

    Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
    Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
    1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
    people to do the work.

    You and I. And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.
    THAT quarterback is NOT a Pro Bowl quarterback. Never was and never will be.

  10. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guru View Post
    Another personal favorite.....
    LOL!!! AWESOME!

  11. #20
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    After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
    enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
    went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
    to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
    that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less
    costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
    bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
    ear and count to 10.

    The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man
    in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
    can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
    He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
    between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

    (This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia,
    Mississippi and West Virginia.)
    THAT quarterback is NOT a Pro Bowl quarterback. Never was and never will be.

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